| Rank |
Quote |
Rate |
| 1 | "I mean, they lost both parents. That's just careless." - Zach Braff on orphans |   |
| 2 | "I remember once I went to go see a movie, and in front of me in line there was a little boy who looked so eager to see it, like it was Christmas morning. When he got to the ticket booth it turned out there was only one ticket left; the manager was there and wanted to give it to me instead since I was famous. That's when I knew I'd hit it big." - Zach Braff on fame | |
| 3 | "I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people." - Zach Braff on reality shows. | |
| 4 | "Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me." - Zach Braff on abortion. | |
| 5 | "Well, at least I'm ok." - Zach Braff on 9/11 | |
| 6 | "It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know." - Zach Braff on the holocaust | |
| 7 | "I mean, I'm a writer, actor, AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything, but compare that to a carpenter and, in the end, who is the better man?" - Zach Braff on Jesus | |
| 8 | "No, I'm not sorry. If a hooker has to die for me to get an erection, then, shit, a hooker has to die." - Zach Braff on dating and relationships | |
| 9 | "I wouldn't say I'm bigger than Jesus. If I had to guess, I'd say probably, yeah, but as far as I know, the bible is never clear on this." - Zach Braff on the size of his penis | |
| 10 | "I'm not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away." - Zach Braff on adoption | |
| 11 | "I'm not being insensitive, but maybe Steve Irwin started it. Not like he can say otherwise now." - Zach Braff on Steve Irwin | |
| 12 | "I think slavery was an awful, awful period in our history, but when I look at what's become of black culture since emancipation, I think you have to admit, maybe the Confederacy was on to something" - Zach Braff | |
| 13 | "Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am. " - Zach Braff on disabilities | |
| 14 | "Finding out that McGinley's kid is a retard." - Zach Braff on his favorite Christmas gift | |
| 15 | "I could sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating." - Zach Braff on his fame. | |
| 16 | "For me, acting in scenes with other people is like playing soccer with a bunch of legless five year olds. It's not really fair to them, but what else can I do, you know? " - Zach Braff on co-stars | |
| 17 | "If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises." - Zach Braff on Women | |
| 18 | "But I'm alive." - Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche | |
| 19 | "They're really great. I've had a lot of costars, but those two are really phenominal." - Zach Braff on his testicles | |
| 20 | "I really don't know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It's not like they're the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We're the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don't see us demanding a whole month to ourselves." - Zach Braff on Black history month | |
| 21 | "I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport." - Zach Braff on Homosexuals | |
| 22 | "My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients." - Zach Braff on Chuck Norris | |
| 23 | "That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction." - Zach Braff on House | |
| 24 | "Is 'Garden State' the next 'Citizen Kane'? Of course not. I'd like to think we aimed a little higher than that, frankly." - Zach Braff | |
| 25 | "I never go looking for child pornography, but I mean, if somebody sends me an email with some pictures, I'm not going to turn around and report them." - Zach Braff on pedophilia | |
| 26 | "JENGA!" - Zach Braff on 9/11 | |
| 27 | "I knew I'd made it big as an actor when he was shaking just being in my presence." - Zach Braff on Michael J. Fox | |
| 28 | "The biggest problem I had with starring in Scrubs were the black doctors. I just had to keep telling myself this show was satire." - Zach Braff on acting challenges | |
| 29 | "I don't think that other races are inferior, I just think that there's something special about white people. Sometimes, when I think about all the things white people have accomplished throughout history, I smile, and I nod, and I think to myself, 'Yeah, I'm glad I'm on that team.'" - Zach Braff | |
| 30 | "I feel really bad for everyone who died on 9/11. Not just the people in the World Trade Center, Pentagon, or Flight 93, but all of the terrorists, too. 'Garden State' came out in 2004. That means none of them got a chance to see it. Let that sink in for a second. No wonder they're building a memorial. " - Zach Braff | |
| 31 | "I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter 'Good morning, handsome' and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don't break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself." - Zach Braff on how he starts his day | |
| 32 | "Oh I love children, but I could never eat a whole one." - Zach Braff | |
| 33 | "First I took a shit on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms." - Zach Braff on the best sex of his life | |
| 34 | "Well, I've thought about donating, but they get so many damn donations already. I read about one foundation that raised over 100 million dollars. Well where the hell did that go? For all I know every starving child has a 2 story house by now. Or maybe they're all raging alcoholics, like homeless people. Homeless people who are more effective when it comes to raising money. Who wants to support alcoholic children? Not me." - Zach Braff on starving children in Africa | |
| 35 | "Am I really gonna deny someone the opportunity of a lifetime just because they met me 5 easters early?" - Zach Braff on The Age of Consent | |
| 36 | "I thought the dollar menu solved that?" - Zach Braff on world hunger | |
| 37 | "I mean, some people accuse me of being racist. I'm totally not, I'm just better than everybody else." - Zach Braff on Racism | |
| 38 | " You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation." - Zach Braff | |
| 39 | "My first girlfriend would always whine about how her mom was an uncaring alcoholic, her dad left when she was just a little girl, and how her brother died in a car crash or something. But, it's like, she got to date me, you know? So I think that more than makes up for all of those things." - Zach Braff on young love | |
| 40 | "As an actor, and a writer, and a director, I know how hard it is to plan things out. This sort of thing, it's just... you've really got to respect the effort they put in, you know?" - Zach Braff on the Darfur Genocides | |
| 41 | "That's a really harsh word. Let's just say when she woke up, she was surprised to be having sex, okay?" - Zach Braff on charges of rape that have been brought against him | |
| 42 | "A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there." - Zach Braff on his upcoming romantic comedy "Trade Off" | |
| 43 | "Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers." - Zach Braff | |
| 44 | "I guess if it turns out he's also gay" - Zach Braff on how McGinley's son could amuse him more | |
| 45 | "I'm pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean, I've never seen it. Have you? I didn't think so." - Zach Braff on Africa | |
| 46 | "I figure it this way - if a woman claims she didn't want me to fuck her, then you already know she's a liar. So what the hell's the point of a trial, y'know?" - Zach Braff on rape | |
| 47 | "I like to drop in on people who picked on me in high school or whatever, just out of the blue, and chat with them to see how they think of me now that I'm a big star. Usually they're a lot nicer. After about half an hour, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and leave a few DVDs or pictures there. Then when I come out, I say good-bye and leave. Then I call the cops." - Zach Braff on getting his enemies arrested for possession of child pornography | |
| 48 | "I experimented in College like most kids." - Zach Braff on rape | |
| 49 | "You always see actors complaining about being typecast and ruining their career. Really, I don't see the point in complaining. If the only role you can play well is a black dude, you're never going to get ahead in this town, and you should just accept it." - Zach Braff on Affirmative Action | |
| 50 | "I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?" - Zach Braff on Hurricane Katrina | |
| 51 | "I don't belive Oprah's sexual abuse stories, I mean who would take a black girl when there are plenty of white?" - Zach Braff | |
| 52 | "A kid came up to me the other day and said, 'Hey, you're the guy on Scrubs!'
Kid, I am Scrubs, and don't you forget it." - Zach Braff on meeting fans. | |
| 53 | "I had to teach them a lesson. "No Scrubs"? I don't think so. Let's see them talk bad about my show with only two people singing." - Zach Braff on TLC | |
| 54 | "Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually." - Zach Braff on African Americans | |
| 55 | "It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It's like denying the cure for polio or something." - Zach Braff | |
| 56 | "To give is better to recieve." - Zach Braff on AIDS | |
| 57 | "I personally think it's respectable that they do what they love, despite all opposition." - Zach Braff on rape | |
| 58 | "Take a dash of Clooney, a pinch of DeNiro, a smidge of Nicholson, and add talent." - Zach Braff on How to make Zach Braff | |
| 59 | "Yeah, I have to admit it was pretty big, but I didn't feel threatened by its success at all. I just look at it and think, "I could've done a better job" I honestly don't see why everyone's still talking about it." - Zach Braff on Hurricane Katrina | |
| 60 | "Sometimes I just like it quiet. " - Zach Braff on necrophilia | |
| 61 | "One time a pipe in my sink burst so I can relate to what they're going through" - Zach Braff on Hurricane Katrina victims | |
| 62 | "The thing about all these charities is that who sees where the money goes? I don't and you don't. For all I know, the president of Make a Wish just used all the money to buy himself a mansion and a yacht. That's why I keep all of my money for myself, at least then I know I'm doing good for at least one person for sure." - Zach Braff | |
| 63 | "Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven." - Zach Braff | |
| 64 | "I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it." - Zach Braff on awkward times in his life | |
| 65 | "Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true." - Zach Braff on The MLK Assassination | |
| 66 | "I don't like the term 'black people', I find it demeaning to those of us that actually qualify as 'people'." - Zach Braff on being politically correct. | |
| 67 | "Honestly, do we really need to be concerned with these people? They're dirty, uncivilized, and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think they even get Scrubs over there." - Zach Braff on third world countries | |
| 68 | "I choke them until they spit it out. I can't just have them walking out the door with 10,000 potential baby Half-Braff's in their gullet. " - Zach Braff on blowjobs | |
| 69 | "I've heard they're pretty fast " - Zach Braff on Obama running for President | |
| 70 | "Rosa Parks didn't call shotgun." - Zach Braff on civil rights | |
| 71 | "Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, she wrote a book, big whoop. Let's see her write, direct, and star in a major motion picture, and THEN maybe I'll have some respect for her" - Zach Braff on Hellen Keller | |
| 72 | "Working on 'Scrubs' made me feel guilty because I realized that if I had decided to become an actual doctor, instead of just playing one, I could probably have found a cure to cancer within five years." - Zach Braff | |
| 73 | "Christians are like retarded people. They're fun to have around for a good laugh, and easy to fuck if you get them away from their parents, but not someone you want in a position of any authority—or reproducing. " - Zach Braff on religious tolerance | |
| 74 | "Slavery got shit done." - Zach Braff | |
| 75 | "For the first three years, I didn't even bother learning his name. I just yelled, 'Yo, black dude,' whenever I needed him to bring me something to drink or whatever." - Zach Braff on co-star Donald Faison | |
| 76 | "Its sad, because he still owes me $20" - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger's Death | |
| 77 | "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world there's better actors than me." - Zach Braff on Christianity. | |
| 78 | "It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses." - Zach Braff on Christoper Reeves | |
| 79 | "Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion. " - Zach Braff on abortion | |
| 80 | "I'm not saying I did, and I'm not saying I didn't, but I can tell you that she wanted it badly. But then again, who doesn't want it from Zach Braff." - Zach Braff on impregnating Jamie Lynn Spears | |
| 81 | "Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?" - Zach Braff on black rights | |
| 82 | "Mine? No, it stays in the kitchen." - Zach Braff on women | |
| 83 | "I think a big part of being a success is confidence. Just look at me, I know I'm successful, and I am." - Zach Braff | |
| 84 | "Don't get me started on cold toilet seats." - Zach Braff on cold toilet seats | |
| 85 | "The best things in life are free" - Zach Braff on rape | |
| 86 | "I just use it to break the ice. I'm not condoning it, but lets face it, sometimes people don't know what they want." - Zach Braff on date rape | |
| 87 | "Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me" - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger. | |
| 88 | "I was originally set to star in 'The Bourne Identity,' but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was." - Zach Braff | |
| 89 | "Whenever I'm feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children's hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know?" - Zach Braff on happiness | |
| 90 | "He wasn't very good at basketball. The final score was 33-0, but I imagine it was the best day of that kid's life." - Zach Braff on his volunteering with children with leukemia | |
| 91 | "I lot of people remember when that kid spray-painted my brand new Porsche for Punk'd. That was pretty funny. He got me pretty good. Of course, most people don't know I eventually got him back with my own show. I call it a show, really it's just an hour-long video shot in my bedroom featuring the two of us. " - Zach Braff on the motivation behind "Rape'd" | |
| 92 | "I mean, yeah for minorities right? Thinning the herd and such?" - Zach Braff on condoms | |
| 93 | "I'm not saying that they're all delicious, but they're worth a try." - Zach Braff on endangered species | |
| 94 | "You know how they do that effect in movies, where they make it look like you have a twin, but it's really just the same actor playing both characters in the scene? I knew this would be the best route, but I just wasn't comfortable dressing as a woman, so I had to hire other actors." - Zach Braff on Garden State | |
| 95 | "Sure I've had sex with them, but let me give you a word of advise: make sure they're fresh." - Zach Braff on Dead People | |
| 96 | "If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once." - Zach Braff on religion | |
| 97 | "Y'know, they always ask how many licks it takes to get to the center, and I think I might be the only one who's ever actually tried." - Zach Braff on 12 year old girls | |
| 98 | "knew I had made it big as an actor when he literally started shaking in my presence." - Zach Braff on Michael J. Fox | |
| 99 | "I don't see what the big deal is, we call that Tuesday on the set of Scrubs." - Zach Braff on Two Girls One Cup | |
| 100 | "It was at that moment I realized that yes, I could have my cake and eat it too." - Zach Braff on the Olsen twins | |
| 101 | "I was absolutely devastated when it happened. At first I was speechless, then I just broke down crying. I couldn't eat for a day. The whole time I was just wondering if America would ever be the same after such a tragedy, and even now, I don't think we'll ever fully recover." - Zach Braff on Garden State not winning an Oscar | |
| 102 | "I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans. " - Zach Braff on the holidays. | |
| 103 | "It's an invention against God." - Zach Braff on the wheelchair | |
| 104 | "It's not that I wanna hurt them or anything,I just really think they make great bar stools" - Zach Braff on midgets | |
| 105 | "He is without doubt one of the greatest actors, writers, and directors of our time. He's truly a gift to this Earth and a god amongst us." - Zach Braff on Zach Braff | |
| 106 | "Personally, I thought it was hilarious." - Zach Braff on Hurricane Katrina | |
| 107 | "A lesbian is just like a vegetarian, a good slab of meat and they'll change their mind." - Zach Braff | |
| 108 | "Some people will say no and try to stop you, but I keep going and force them to break down these barriers." - Zach Braff on hymens. | |
| 109 | "The only real difference between hookers, stippers, sluts and regualar women how many times you can hit them before they cry. Hookers can really take a punch, I'll tell you that much. " - Zach Braff on women | |
| 110 | "Frankly, I'm offended. I pay good money for it and these women get it for free without even asking? And then complain about it? It's things like these that make me give up hope on the world" - Zach Braff on rape | |
| 111 | "I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I'm successful" - Zach Braff on Success | |
| 112 | "I mean, I understand that because they're disadvantaged that they deserve their own parking spots, but do they have to make them so wide? I never understood how these people were allowed to drive cars but they get these really neat chairs with wheels and they're still not happy, so instead of parking their wheelchairs in the designated spots, they upstage us normal people and get the best parking spots with vehicles that are clearly too sophisticated for them to be handling. Still, you should smile at a cripple, because it's the only bit of happiness they'll ever have." - Zach Braff on handicapped parking | |
| 113 | "I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It's a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom." - Zach Braff | |
| 114 | "I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff." - Zach Braff | |
| 115 | "I don't like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I do" - Zach Braff on acting colleges | |
| 116 | "I was stuck in an elevator with a bunch of people once, so I really don't see what the big deal is." - Zach Braff on Anne Frank | |
| 117 | "Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety?" - Zach Braff on New Orleans | |
| 118 | "Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society." - Zach Braff on homosexuality | |
| 119 | "I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me. " - Zach Braff on himself | |
| 120 | "I almost wish it had actually happened." - Zach Braff on the Holocaust | |
| 121 | "Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there." - Zach Braff on Family Heritage | |
| 122 | "I mean, what's eleven million people now days?" - Zach Braff on the Holocaust | |
| 123 | "The whole situation was a complete misunderstanding. I honestly thought it was an ashtray. Then when I smelled that familiar aroma burning money, then I knew..." - Zach Braff on the Salvation Army donation collection buckets | |
| 124 | "So I was at the gas station the other day, and I saw that there was braille on the pumps. I don't see how they can cater to blind drivers. I mean, there are certain rights you should lose once you lose what makes you a person." - Zach Braff on blind people | |
| 125 | "I understand why they're yellow, he only had a yellow marker, and then he wanted to be consistent. But that doesn't explain why some of the characters are black." - Zach Braff on The Simpsons | |
| 126 | "Not to be rude, but if people are too irresponsible to look after their own, why should I give them mine?" - Zach Braff on giving blood | |
| 127 | "I mean, really. They lived on islands, I don't know why they acted all shocked and torn up about it. They should've known better. Or at least should have taken swimming lessons to prevent drowning. " - Zach Braff on the Tsunamis | |
| 128 | "I don't have anything against this Jesus guy, but has he written, directed, and starred in his own movie?" - Zach Braff on Jesus Christ | |
| 129 | "Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them." - Zach Braff | |
| 130 | "Looks like someone else beat me to it" - Zach Braff on Hitting Sarah Jessica Parker with a shovel in the face | |
| 131 | "I just remember watching them as a kid. You ever laugh so hard that your face muscles cramp? It was like that every time for me." - Zach Braff on snuff films | |
| 132 | "I don't what his deal is. Maybe it's because I ACTUALLY thought he was a studio janitor or whatever. He should have aimed higher in life. Playing a janitor on TV is just as bad as being one." - Zach Braff on Neil Flynn | |
| 133 | "I'm not 'for it' because I think it's sometimes necessary, I just find them really funny." - Zach Braff on abortions | |
| 134 | ""I know they say that Kurt Cobain killed himself becasue he was a genius, but can you imagine how long he would have lasted if he had written Garden State? I mean, that would be like an instant death penalty for him" - Zach Braff on Suicide | |
| 135 | "One thing a lot of people don't know is that they originally offered me the role of Neville Flynn in Snakes on a Plane. I was going to take it, but then I thought to myself, "Samuel needs this more than you do, Zach", and I gave the role to him. It's the little things like that that make a difference in the lives of those around you." - Zach Braff | |
| 136 | "Of course killing people is 'wrong', but I think history shows that sometimes it serves the greater good." - Zach Braff on genocide | |
| 137 | "I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized, 'Hey, I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning." - Zach Braff on being 5 years old | |
| 138 | "A wave did knock me down once when I was at the beach so I can kind of relate." - Zach Braff on the 2004 tsunami | |
| 139 | "Might as well let them, I mean, there can only be one Zach Braff. Everything else is just downhill." - Zach Braff on abortions | |
| 140 | "Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever." - Zach Braff on genocide | |
| 141 | "I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs." - Zach Braff | |
| 142 | "I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me." - Zach Braff | |
| 143 | "People need to lay off, I only sell them the coke. I don't tell them what to do with it." - Zach Braff on selling blow to children | |
| 144 | "You know, I've occasionally tried to watch other shows besides Scrubs, but comparing them is a bit like me competing in the special Olympics. Obviously I would win without contest, but the point is that they are trying their best." - Zach Braff on the television industry | |
| 145 | "It's always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone's looking to me for guidance." - Zach Braff on leadership | |
| 146 | "It's not like we are close or anything, we just chat once in a while when our dogs are fighting" - Zach Braff on Michael Vick | |
| 147 | "Listen, it works in theory. I mean, that's a lot more than we can say for Democracy." - Zach Braff on Communism | |
| 148 | "I really don't like doing it, you know? It just feels like the world is losing millions of opportunities for a better quality of life every time I do. I don't want humanity to lose the second most influential director of all time to some sock." - Zach Braff on masturbation | |
| 149 | "They speak in clicks and clacks. Do you really think they deserve freedom?" - Zach Braff on africans | |
| 150 | "I've discovered that statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape." - Zach Braff on Relationships | |
| 151 | "Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?" - Zach Braff on his penis size | |
| 152 | "Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities." - Zach Braff on Prostitution | |
| 153 | "Sure, I love my mom. But all she did was sit back and take some genetic material and shot me out 9 months later. It's not like she wrote, directed and acted in Garden State. " - Zach Braff on his mother | |
| 154 | "I don't really see the need for it. Why wouldn't everyone just use a mirror like I do?" - Zach Braff on pornography | |
| 155 | "I'm a busy guy; I just get a lot of people that sound like me to go out and visit them. They don't know the difference and, let's face it, they aren't going to be paying to see my movies anytime soon." - Zach Braff on visiting blind children | |
| 156 | "I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper." - Zach Braff on 9/11 | |
| 157 | "I've turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you don't want AIDs, don't be a faggot. Or African. I'm neither and I'm fine." - Zach Braff on writers | |
| 158 | "Yeah, I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names, so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam." - Zach Braff | |
| 159 | "If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on." - Zach Braff on the War on Terror | |
| 160 | "Why should I? I don't see them writing, directing and starring in masterpieces." - Zach Braff on slowing down for pedestrians | |
| 161 | "All I'm saying is that if it ever becomes a reality, I'd fuck myself. I mean, who wouldn't?" - Zach Braff on Cloning | |
| 162 | "I'm not gay, but I'm still the kind of guy where, even though you have no chance, they still want to hang around me so you can get a good mental image and jerk off to me later." - Zach Braff on Homosexuals | |
| 163 | "He really wrote all of the parts with me in mind." - Zach Braff on Shakespeare | |
| 164 | "I don't get why arabs are so pissed off at us. I mean they have enough oil for all of them to drive a hummer at what, maybe 1.50 a gallon?" - Zach Braff on the Middle East | |
| 165 | "What an asshole, he didn't even show up to the premiere of his own movie." - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger | |
| 166 | "Frankly, I don't blame those poor people, they risk everything they have just to be near me, that is a very worthy effort, and we should help them anyway we can" - Zach Braff on illegal inmigration | |
| 167 | "In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to resist." - Zach Braff on gays | |
| 168 | "By then I realized, "fuck I'm Zack Braff, I shouldn't have to wipe my own ass" - Zach Braff on hiring a maid | |
| 169 | "Bigger than the Beatles? Well, how many grammys did they win? Exactly, none, yet I have one, and I've never even released a CD.
" - Zach Braff on The Beatles | |
| 170 | "You know... as an actor I'd love to pick one up sometime. It would be good for my image, as well as doing lawnwork. " - Zach Braff on Iraqi Orphan Children. | |
| 171 | "I mean the first time I had it I knew right off the bat it wasn't legit. I think most people are fooled, but I guess when it comes down to it people just don't have as keen a sense of taste as me." - Zach Braff on I cant believe its not butter | |
| 172 | "Dude, writing, acting and directing are such easy jobs. But to do them all as awesomely as Zach Braff does, well that... that's something." - Zach Braff on Zach Braff | |
| 173 | "When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker." - Zach Braff on the Holocaust | |
| 174 | "I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra." - Zach Braff | |
| 175 | "Someone once told me dwarfism is a sexually transmitted disease. Years later I found out they were just joking, but to this day I'm afraid to have sex with anyone under five feet tall unless I'm sure they're children." - Zach Braff | |
| 176 | "Sometimes, I go to Barnes & Noble with the sole intention of moving all copies of the bible to the fiction section." - Zach Braff on religion | |
| 177 | "A lot of people say that they "piss excellence and shit greatness", but in my case it's true." - Zach Braff on being great | |
| 178 | "My favorite movie moment? When they shoot Old Yeller. Gets me every time. I can never stop laughing at that." - Zach Braff on movies | |
| 179 | "I find it fitting that the ones yelling 'Dont treat me like an object' are the ones that never will be. " - Zach Braff on Women's rights activists | |
| 180 | "To make a long story short, it died relatively quickly once it was placed in the dumpster." - Zach Braff on his illegitimate child | |
| 181 | "What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke." - Zach Braff on being arrested. | |
| 182 | "Look, you are misunderstanding me. All I'm saying is, if they can eat my dog, why can't I eat them?" - Zach Braff on Koreans | |
| 183 | "Sure my penis cures cancer . . . but I don't screw bald chicks" - Zach Braff | |
| 184 | "I didn't really audition for Scrubs. I walked in and they were like "yeah, that's perfect" and the rest is history." - Zach Braff on auditioning for Scrubs | |
| 185 | "Yeah i thought about making the character of JD gay... But then i thought, but what about all the poor girls dreams you'll be crushing" - Zach Braff on Character development | |
| 186 | "I like to think of myself as the Chris Benoit of the movie industry, capable of taking any picture and carrying it to box-office success. Take Garden State, without me that would have just been two hours of Portman bitching." - Zach Braff on suicide awareness | |
| 187 | "Don't get me wrong. They're phenomenal. But when you reach a point at which you can think faster than them, then you just don't get as excited about them." - Zach Braff on computers | |
| 188 | "The way I see it is, if I have a chance to make some kid's dream come true, then yeah, I'm gonna do it. I don't see anything immoral about it." - Zach Braff on sex with underage girls | |
| 189 | "It doesn't bother me that my films don't win awards. Besides, who is this Oscar asshole anyways. What's important is that they win the Zach Braff. It's a small golden statue of myself that I put on my shelf whenever I make a movie." - Zach Braff on awards | |
| 190 | "I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write." - Zach Braff | |
| 191 | "They were careless enough to become paralyzed in the first place, I don't see why they should be at par with us in terms of transportation." - Zach Braff on wheelchair ramps. | |
| 192 | "I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I can't help thinking that it's somehow my fault. I mean, I know how hard it must be for some actors to work in my shadow all their lives. And I did buy him the pills." - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger | |
| 193 | "For me, it's framed portraits of my erect penis on every wall." - Zach Braff on home decor | |
| 194 | "Not that I'm condoning what he did, but I can probably credit my success to him. I would have had to compete with a lot more talent if it wasn't for him." - Zach Braff on Adolf Hitler | |
| 195 | "Was she really that great? Sure, maybe she helped a few homeless people here and there, but I'm on national TV. Who is the more important person? Let America decide." - Zach Braff on Mother Theresa | |
| 196 | "It's not like I'm a pyro or anything, I just think burning them saves a lot of space" - Zach Braff on the jews | |
| 197 | "I don't even like the show that much, I mean, it's about doctors. It's not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I've saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has." - Zach Braff on Scrubs | |
| 198 | "A lot of people look at me, and they wonder 'Is that guy packing some serious heat down there?' Let's just say I have a pretty big dick." - Zach Braff on fame | |
| 199 | "It's... it's such a weird thing. After Garden State, so many companies wanted to make my movies, and after The Last Kiss, I realized people would make anything I was in. As long as I keep this up I'll be swimming in chubby indie girl pussy." - Zach Braff on his recent success | |
| 200 | "I mean, I understand that Scrubs was my big break, but sooner or later you have to move on. I've already directed a movie, which received very good reviews, so it just seems much more important to me now. I feel that in order to better foster my creativity as an actor and director at this point, I need to be surrounded by other talented, artistic individuals, instead of just goofy comedians." - Zach Braff | |
| 201 | "I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want, got it?" - Zach Braff on child pornography | |
| 202 | "It took off like United Flight 93." - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger's career | |
| 203 | "I though it was great when she shaved her head in V for Vendetta. It flatters me that my penis made such an impression on her that she would want to make herself look like it." - Zach Braff on Natalie Portman | |
| 204 | "Dude, don't bring him near me. I don't care if he's five, I'm gonna punch him." - Zach Braff on Punk'd | |
| 205 | "Yeah i saw An Inconvenient Truth, and i dont want to say it was preachy but let's not kid ourselves, i've got far more important work to do" - Zach Braff on Global Warming | |
| 206 | "I try not to criticize him too much because I always end up comparing his decisions to the ones I would make, and that's really not fair to him." - Zach Braff on George W. Bush | |
| 207 | "Most people just aren't grateful for the lives they have, and it really saddens me. For instance, I said 'hello' to a man the other day, and he didn't even recognize me. It just really saddens me." - Zach Braff on homeless people | |
| 208 | "It's not like I could have somebody killed. Well, I could, but I don't have people killed. I mean, I don't as in I'm not having someone killed right now, at this moment, but if anyone fucks with Zach Braff, yeah, they're dead." - Zach Braff on Criticism | |
| 209 | "Sometimes, I stand on my balcony and look at the ants scattered under me twelve floors below on the sidewalk. I stop to think about how my death would impact their lives, and that alone is enough for me to gain the willpower to live another day. An entertainer is a person who must suffer a lot to achieve complete mastery of his own trade. At the end of the day, doctors, lawyers, police officers, firefighters... they come home to a nice family and all, but an entertainer doesn't get that privilege. To answer your question, I have thought about suicide, but I have never brought myself to it because of my self-imposed title of pierrot to the world." - Zach Braff on suicide | |
| 210 | "I actually just call him "Turk" now, on and off set. I just don't care enough to remember his name. I used to just refer to him as "the brown one" but that caused too much protest on the set." - Zach Braff on Scrubs co-star Donald Faison | |
| 211 | "Back in college, I had a friend whose sister got raped. It was sad, I guess, for a while, but I mean, we all got over it and frankly, I was just sick of hearing about it. Everything she said, 'rape, rape, rape,' it was getting pretty old. I stopped talking to the guy soon after... fuck him, you know? He'd always say, 'bros before hos,' but... God, what a hypocrite, huh?" - Zach Braff on teen pregnancy | |
| 212 | "I think most people enjoy a good surprise every now and then." - Zach Braff on rape | |
| 213 | "It took God 6 days to create Earth. It took me over 25 days to film Garden State. That makes Garden State at least 4 times better than anything God ever made."" - Zach Braff on his achievements | |
| 214 | "I'm a big proponent of 'Don't Ask, Don't tell,' in fact, I enforce it strictly on all of my dates. First, I don't ask them for sex, and then I warn them not to tell anyone after I'm through." - Zach Braff on Military Policy | |
| 215 | "Some guy came up to me the other day and told me he loved me in Scrubs. Does he even know I've been in other things? Asshole. " - Zach Braff on fans | |
| 216 | "Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time." - Zach Braff | |
| 217 | "People often ask me when there's going to be a Mrs. Zach Braff. It's a confusing question sometimes because many people don't realize that my mother is named Mrs. Zach Braff." - Zach Braff on marriage | |
| 218 | "One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called 'Zach Braff' and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don't want that on my conscience. " - Zach Braff | |
| 219 | "I've always preferred Marvel over DC. I just relate to their characters better. I mean look at Wolverine, at first he was just a bit player in an ensemble cast. Now he's the only reason people read X-Men. Just like me and Scrubs. " - Zach Braff on comics | |
| 220 | "I'm not saying eating babies should be legal, but when they're so delicious, what's the harm in it? I don't know what tastes better, their innocence or their gooey rib butter." - Zach Braff | |
| 221 | "To say I live a cursed life is an understatement. I have to get up every day and work with people who are not as successful as me nor will they ever be as successful as me. Nobody knows the struggles I go through." - Zach Braff on Scrubs | |
| 222 | "If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred." - Zach Braff on Wal-Mart | |
| 223 | "You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics..." - Zach Braff on selective breeding | |
| 224 | "Freud's analysis of the human mind is the only one that makes sense. I am convinced that everyone's problems are rooted in their urges to have sex with me. " - Zach Braff on psychology | |
| 225 | "Yeah, I guess it's good...but not 'Zach Braff' good." - Zach Braff on Stairway to Heaven | |
| 226 | "They kept telling me to catch all of them. I got my first one for free and named it ZACHBRAFF. I'm pretty sure that's all anyone could ever need." - Zach Braff on Pokemon | |
| 227 | "I feel kind of bad for them, really. I mean, all they want is to live in the same country as Zach Braff. " - Zach Braff on illegal immigration | |
| 228 | "Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence. " - Zach Braff on Whoopi Goldberg | |
| 229 | "People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example." - Zach Braff on Music | |
| 230 | "I've always tried to learn from the greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... it's just that there's this tremendous pressure to correct all the things they got wrong." - Zach Braff on role models | |
| 231 | "I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?" - Zach Braff on autosexuality | |
| 232 | "It's really hard to find parts that challenge me as an actor these days. At this point in my career, I feel like I can just sleepwalk through most of my roles and still do a better job than 90 percent of the actors out there." - Zach Braff on acting | |
| 233 | "I mean, I know I'm not as famous as him but, in a few years I'll bet that I'll be getting just as much praise as him." - Zach Braff on God | |
| 234 | "I'm just saying, if I grew a beard, how many people could honestly tell the difference?" - Zach Braff on Jesus Christ | |
| 235 | "The funniest thing was the look on their faces " - Zach Braff on visting a pediatric burn unit | |
| 236 | "I never really understood all the hype, until I got one of my own." - Zach Braff on slavery | |
| 237 | "Okay, he can talk white, he can act white, but when it is all said and done, he's going to make lynching illegal. And I can't stand for that." - Zach Braff on Barack Obama | |
| 238 | "I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins." - Zach Braff on movie spoilers | |
| 239 | "I don't know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life." - Zach Braff | |
| 240 | "Sometimes I regret not being Catholic. I think I'd make a pretty good saint." - Zach Braff | |
| 241 | "The fact that 'Scrubs' is so popular in Israel is very important to me. I feel like I'm helping to cancel out the thousands of years of oppression the Jewish people have suffered." - Zach Braff | |
| 242 | "Ya know, Hitler was this evil, evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America, he might have been on to something..." - Zach Braff on Hitler | |
| 243 | "He was brilliant in that one show...but EVEN better in Garden State." - Zach Braff on Zach Braff | |
| 244 | "I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets." - Zach Braff | |
| 245 | "If he had written and starred in films, they would have called him the Zach Braff of his time."" - Zach Braff on William Shakespeare | |
| 246 | "It was a magical night, for her of course. Worst lay I've ever had." - Zach Braff on finding out Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant | |
| 247 | "Yeah, me and Donald [Faison] were chatting about that the other day, and we couldn't stop laughing!" - Zach Braff on childhood diabetes | |
| 248 | "I don't see what the big deal is, he had millions of Jews under his control and what did he do? Go swimming and wander the desert? I would've started a law firm, so he's kind of an idiot." - Zach Braff on Moses | |
| 249 | "They're like slinkies really; absolutely pointless but hilarious to watch one fall down some stairs." - Zach Braff on the physically disabled | |
| 250 | "I think we have to acknowledge that people are different and succeed at different things, first of all. Men are better than women at some professions like firefighting, construction work, and physics. But women are better than men at some professions, too, like elementary teaching, prostitution, and giving birth. Who's to say which is more important?" - Zach Braff on gender equality | |
| 251 | "I mean it's just crazy. What makes them think they have the privilege to even talk to me?" - Zach Braff on B-list celebrities | |
| 252 | "I don't see why the WGA gets mad. It's not like they have a shortage of those signs. " - Zach Braff on WGA strike signs | |
| 253 | "It really is fascinating stuff, and I've picked it up on Scrubs. Memorizing lines is at least as hard as studying a text book, I mean, by this point I know about as much as most 'real' doctors." - Zach Braff on modern medicine | |
| 254 | "Everyday I question myself. I look in the mirror, or read one of my scripts, or I reflect on my acting and I say to myself 'that was good...but was it Zach Braff good?' Lets just say things have been looking pretty Zach Braff so far." - Zach Braff on motivation | |
| 255 | "It's the most unrealistic part of the show, but it attracts more of an audience" - Zach Braff on Turk, the black surgeon on Scrubs | |
| 256 | "vaginas....assholes...after a while you just stop noticing the difference" - Zach Braff on babysitting | |
| 257 | "I couldn't use the bathroom without them." - Zach Braff on hundred dollar bills | |
| 258 | "It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in." - Zach Braff on the KKK | |
| 259 | "Wait, was the horse ok?" - Zach Braff on Christopher Reeves | |
| 260 | "Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped." - Zach Braff on dating & relationships | |
| 261 | "I actually did ponder doing the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing and get a kid from Ethiopia. But you know, I already have an ashtray." - Zach Braff on adoption | |
| 262 | "I said, 'I'm on this TV show and I love doing it, but I don't want to be known always as the silly "Scrubs" guy'. So part of me was like, 'You know what? Life's short. Let's go for it.'" - Zach Braff on his entry into drug trafficking | |
| 263 | "I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that." - Zach Braff on vacation | |
| 264 | "It's not that I'm racist or anything, because I'm not, but I just don't think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway." - Zach Braff on helping Africa | |
| 265 | "Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a shit what she's saying. Come on, she's a woman. But still, it's very cute." - Zach Braff on politics | |
| 266 | "I pick the songs for my movies by typing a random word - say "bee" - and then by typing the word "pitchfork" along with it and then whatever pitchfork album review Google brings up I then look at the album, select the fourth song off of it, and then try t write a film scene around whatever song it is. It's brought only gold so far!" - Zach Braff on selecting songs for films | |
| 267 | "I'd like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use, whatever it's called. And that's only when I'm having an off day." - Zach Braff | |
| 268 | "Considering the current financial crisis, we probably need a lot of them back right now. " - Zach Braff on the Holocaust | |
| 269 | "It's a real shame they didn't run fast enough, they missed Garden State." - Zach Braff on Columbine Victims | |
| 270 | "I'm not lazy, I drive everywhere myself, the bitch could've learned something from me." - Zach Braff on Princess Diana | |
| 271 | "It's something to do" - Zach Braff on rape | |
| 272 | "Let's face it, it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography." - Zach Braff on Scrubs | |
| 273 | "The whole thing did make me feel pretty bad. To cheer up her family I sent them Hungry Hungry Hippos." - Zach Braff on Terri Schiavo | |
| 274 | "Ha ha yeah. That was hilarious. Did you see those people jumping? Ha! Did they really think they could actually survive that fall? I guess Darwin was right" - Zach Braff on 9/11 | |
| 275 | "They tend to offer the money back." - Zach Braff on hookers | |
| 276 | "It's not like I didn't know he was twelve years old when I hit him, I just thought he was spraypainting my Porsche. MY Porsche. I mean, which would be more important to you, some punkass twelve year old kid or Zach Braff's Porsche?" - Zach Braff on getting Punkd | |
| 277 | "I'd really like to give back to the world, but everything I've achieved, I've earned on my own, so what's the point?" - Zach Braff on charity | |
| 278 | "I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine." - Zach Braff | |
| 279 | "They don't know I'm staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?" - Zach Braff on blind people | |
| 280 | "I was approached and asked if they could make a video game based on Scrubs. I screamed, 'Nobody plays Zach Braff, but Zach motherfucking Braff!' and then I punched that little girl in her throat." - Zach Braff on crushing dreams | |
| 281 | "At first I thought they were prostitutes hired by the producers to have some fun with in between scenes" - Zach Braff on Sarah Chalke and Judy Reyes | |
| 282 | "Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective." - Zach Braff on slavery | |
| 283 | "Yea, I've got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle." - Zach Braff on Martin Luther King Jr. | |
| 284 | "I once looked in the mirror at myself and noticed that, without a doubt, I am a sexy man. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get married...it just wouldn't be fair for my spouse to catch me enjoying a look in the mirror more than having sex with her." - Zach Braff on managing vanity | |
| 285 | "Watching John C. McGinley half-ass his lines, probably. Watch Platoon, when he's around Sheen, Dafoe, Berenger. I wouldn't say he's good in it, but you can tell he's trying. It just makes me feel so good to know that I've crushed his work ethic and passion, it's like he knows he'll never be on my level." - Zach Braff on what keeps him going in life | |
| 286 | "Remember the part in the Wizard of Oz when the monkeys tore the scarecrow apart? It was kind of like that." - Zach Braff on banging Sarah Chalke | |
| 287 | "I don't see the big deal. It's going to come out sooner or later. I figure if it comes out sooner, it'll take up less room in the compost heaps." - Zach Braff on abortion | |
| 288 | "It's just like when me and my friends hang out. Well, if I was a no talent hack and my friends were menopausal idiots." - Zach Braff on Seinfeld | |
| 289 | "Sometimes, with friends, I speak in code. For example, instead of the word 'fuck', I say 'Braff.' And, instead of 'bitch', I say 'Zach Braff fan.' And, instead of 'vagina', I call it a 'Braff-hole.' So, if you hear me say 'I Braffed the Zach out of that Braffing Zach Braff fan. Braffed her right in her Braffing Braff-hole', you'll know what I'm really talking about. Oh yeah, instead of 'shit', I say 'Zach.'" - Zach Braff | |
| 290 | "When I let some girl take me in her mouth I think this is what Jesus must feel like during communion." - Zach Braff on religion | |
| 291 | "I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, shit, I live there. What more do you need?" - Zach Braff on terrorism | |
| 292 | "If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew. " - Zach Braff on Natalie Portman | |
| 293 | "People have called me fake, but personally, I don't think I'm fake because I'm so insincere." - Zach Braff | |
| 294 | "He's really unprofessional. To be honest, I can't wait to finish filming the last season of Scrubs. One time I remember in particular, he came to a shoot at 2:15 in the afternoon complaining about a car accident or something. He didn't remember any of his lines, we wasted an entire day. I'll never work with him again." - Zach Braff on Barack Obama | |
| 295 | "I really see no issue with it. I mean, at least half the people are enjoying it, so why spoil their fun?" - Zach Braff on rape | |
| 296 | "Women drivers..." - Zach Braff on the space shuttle challenger | |
| 297 | "It's just Garden State with an old Jewish woman and an old Black man. And to be fair, we didn't allow minorities on set while filming Garden State." - Zach Braff on Driving Miss Daisy | |
| 298 | "Completely absurd. It's basically Garden State with a whip." - Zach Braff on Passion of the Christ | |
| 299 | "Now that 'Scrubs' is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I'm thinking, 'Who ARE you?'" - Zach Braff on the Scrubs crew | |
| 300 | "Just plain silly. It's like Garden State with a sled." - Zach Braff on Citizen Kane | |
| 301 | "I remember that night. We went out for a bit, talked about Scrubs and Garden State. He was more excited than a kid on Christmas morning. Guess he needed a little something to calm the nerves afterward." - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger | |
| 302 | "I never looked at bread the same way again" - Zach Braff on yeast infections | |
| 303 | "It's great to be white."" - Zach Braff on racial tolerance. | |
| 304 | "No one can ever accuse me of being selfish. Every year I collect my sperm in a milk jug and then I add it to the city's drinking water. Anyone that drinks water on January 1st in the Los Angeles area has gotten a personal gift from me for the past 4 years." - Zach Braff on generosity | |
| 305 | "Cunt." - Zach Braff on his favorite nickname for Scrubs co-star Sarah Chalke | |
| 306 | "The funny thing about women is that they honestly seem to believe their opinions matter to other people—and by 'people' I of course mean 'men'. You know, actual human beings." - Zach Braff on feminism | |
| 307 | "I've never had much sympathy for orphans, I mean, when I was their age I would have killed to have no parents to make me clean my room and stuff" - Zach Braff on orphans | |
| 308 | "People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?" - Zach Braff on comparisons | |
| 309 | "Not buying them would only cost the miners their jobs, I'm not going to be the guy gets them laid-off." - Zach Braff on African blood diamonds | |
| 310 | "I enjoyed it and look forward to the next one." - Zach Braff on a nursing home fire | |
| 311 | "Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space." - Zach Braff on Star Wars | |
| 312 | "Over half a century on and they're still complaining about it. Compare it to the fact that Garden State didn't win an Oscar and they seem a little petty if you ask me. I guess that just goes to show what kind of people they really are." - Zach Braff on Jews | |
| 313 | "I don't understand the big deal. Its not like millions of people watch them perform every Thursday night. Now that's pressure." - Zach Braff on doctors | |
| 314 | "Why are all the troops bitching about not having body armor and dying and stuff? I mean, I've played Call of Duty 4 on veteran, and I even beat that part where you have to carry your deadbeat captain for half the level. I mean, you gotta imagine I would be the greatest military leader. I just have skill some people don't." - Zach Braff on the war in Iraq | |
| 315 | "They were originally going to call it the Braff, and inside every box it'd just be an autograph with some of my hair. It turns out kids didn't really like it, but kids are idiots and that's why they're in schools." - Zach Braff on the Nintendo Wii | |
| 316 | "You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them." - Zach Braff on relationships | |
| 317 | "I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I'm here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe?" - Zach Braff on God | |
| 318 | "The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the same as hitting your employee or wife, and the issue become pretty clear when you think about it that way." - Zach Braff on why children should be spanked. | |
| 319 | "What's that? Did I? What do you think?" - Zach Braff on Natalie Portman | |
| 320 | "I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on. " - Zach Braff | |
| 321 | "I know I can't say this is worse than the Holocaust, but... this is worse than the Holocaust" - Zach Braff on the ABC lineup | |
| 322 | "I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker?" - Zach Braff on Anne Sullivan | |
| 323 | "I haven't been this excited about something from Germany since the creation of the Nazi party!" - Zach Braff on the "ShamWow!" | |
| 324 | "I'm glad that people are now understanding that everything I say is important." - Zach Braff on ZachBraffQuotes.com | |
| 325 | "The law? I thought it was just a suggestion..." - Zach Braff on the age of consent | |
| 326 | "It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty." - Zach Braff on directing himself in Garden State | |
| 327 | "People keep asking me whether I'm going to vote for Obama or McCain in the election. But I'm like, why bother? There will never be another leader as good as he was." - Zach Braff on Hitler | |
| 328 | "You know, in hindsight, I can see why Heath would turn to suicide. I mean...let's be honest, he wasn't me." - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger's death. | |
| 329 | "In April 1975 I was born and the Vietnam War ended. I could not let any American die in war before seeing an episode of Scrubs." - Zach Braff on his impact on US Foreign Policy | |
| 330 | "I mean, just get a freaking job already" - Zach Braff on the homeless | |
| 331 | "I think the [New England] Patriots' season should have an asterisk next to it because everything they're accomplishing is against teams coached by people other than me." - Zach Braff on the National Football League | |
| 332 | "In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If [Leone] were as talented as I am, he would have made mixtapes for his movies instead of letting some schmuck write the soundtracks for him. But then if he were as talented as I am, he'd be Zach Braff. And have his own Grammy." - Zach Braff on directors less talented than he is | |
| 333 | "I can't watch the news anymore. They have their priorities all out of whack. All I see is Natalee Holloway and Britney Spears and the war in Iraq. Where's the substantive news? Where's the Zach Braff coverage?" - Zach Braff on the media | |
| 334 | "The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit." - Zach Braff on advertisements | |
| 335 | "Bob Marley, The Grateful Dead, Queen, Janis Joplin, Buddy Holly, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Zach Braff. What do they all have in common? Not a damned thing. Those assholes never won a Grammy." - Zach Braff on winning the Grammy for Best Soundtrack Album | |
| 336 | "I really don't understand what the big deal is. You'd think after a couple viewings of Garden State that they wouldn't need all those expensive operations." - Zach Braff on Health Care | |
| 337 | "My job as an actor has inspired generations of children to become doctors. My job as a writer has opened up the minds of millions. My job as a director has produced masterpieces that will be taught in film school for ages." - Zach Braff on his legacy | |
| 338 | "When I was told they wanted the show to be about doctors, I was a bit reluctant to sign on, you know? I thought, why have a show about doctors when we could have a show about the real heroes, you know, like me?" - Zach Braff on the creation of Scrubs | |
| 339 | "He's no Zach Braff." - Zach Braff on Jesus | |
| 340 | "So apparently I was really drunk yesterday and hit a woman with my car. When you think about it, really, it's her own fault. She should've been in the kitchen." - Zach Braff on driving | |
| 341 | "The chair just isn't efficient enough. They should get like a couch or something, and give group discounts." - Zach Braff on capital punishment | |
| 342 | "I've never laughed harder in my life. Definitely one of the greatest comedies of the twentieth century. " - Zach Braff on Shindler's List | |
| 343 | "Yeah I've seen the website. It's cute what they put about me, I imagine it's like what God thinks when people paint him in pictures." - Zach Braff on zachbraffquotes.com | |
| 344 | "It's not that I have anything against him personally, it's just, well, the color of his skin makes me uneasy. I know the country isn't in the greatest shape, but I just don't think we should drop all of our standards and let one of them start running the show, you know?" - Zach Braff on Barack Obama | |
| 345 | "You don't know how funny it is to be on set with them, it's like watching a little dog ride a bike. " - Zach Braff on black actors | |
| 346 | "I mean, nobody's ever thrown a big rock at me or my friends, but we're all pretty tough guys and could probably handle it." - Zach Braff on dinosaur extinction | |
| 347 | "Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift." - Zach Braff on performing for terminally sick children | |
| 348 | "So for front-runners we have a black and a woman. It's like being made to choose between syphilis or having and old man shit on your face. I would do the country a favor and run myself but I couldn't deprive Hollywood of me for 4 years." - Zach Braff on Presidential candidates | |
| 349 | "I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold." - Zach Braff on child labor | |
| 350 | "People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday." - Zach Braff on New Year's resolutions | |
| 351 | "When you're the director and the writer, you never have to remember your lines, and there's no one to call you on it. On Garden State I did different lines on every take, just making shit up. And it was great each time." - Zach Braff on acting, writing, and directing | |
| 352 | "Well, if they're going to do it, there'd at least better be a screening of Garden State on the way up. Nobody, living or dead, should be denied my presence." - Zach Braff on abortion | |
| 353 | "My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious." - Zach Braff | |
| 354 | "Probably the most memorable even of my life is when I was born. It really made me who I am. If I die, I hope to go out the same way I came in, but I don't think my mother would be into that." - Zach Braff on Memories. | |
| 355 | "I definitely try to play a common man in my roles so people can identify with my characters, but the truth of the matter is that it doesn't really matter what I do or my lines are, I'm still Zach Braff, and people know I'm better than them." - Zach Braff on being a spokesperson for his generation | |
| 356 | "Yeah, it's a big problem. I went to Burger King once, and they were all out of beef. Can you believe that? I try to bring attention to it, because it's a serious issue and it's the least I can do." - Zach Braff on world hunger | |
| 357 | "Well, I don't know about this whole situation. I mean, it's nice and all that someone made such a dedicated interactive version of my life, but, I mean, c'mon, where's the Zach's cut of the pie, ya know?" - Zach Braff on Grand Theft Auto | |
| 358 | "Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible." - Zach Braff | |
| 359 | "The last time I laughed that hard I was drowning a hooker." - Zach Braff on the movie Step-Brothers | |
| 360 | "I cant say I don't appreciate him, but what did he do for me? I mean anyone can have dreams." - Zach Braff on Martin Luther King Jr. | |
| 361 | "When I'm in the shower, I crouch down in the pose from the scene in Terminator where Arnold Swarchznegger gets teleported in to the present; slowly moving up, while humming the theme tune to Terminator 2: Judgment day." - Zach Braff on Daily rituals | |
| 362 | "When life handed me lemons, I made Scrubs" - Zach Braff on his co-stars | |
| 363 | "*Sigh* Back in the good old days they never used to scream." - Zach Braff on Rape | |
| 364 | "I'm always being told by directors that I add chemistry to scenes, so I mean how difficult could it be?" - Zach Braff on nuclear fission | |
| 365 | "I turned down the role that DiCaprio had in Titanic, in retrospect it was still a great decision, audiences would never believe a physical specimen like myself couldn't just swim to shore." - Zach Braff on casting | |
| 366 | "I don't do interviews anymore. I mean, any asshole with a pen and paper can write down what I say, but only someone like Hemingway can understand what I'm really saying, you know?" - Zach Braff on inteviews | |
| 367 | "I mean if it's half mine, I can make half the decision. So let's just do it halfway and see what happens from there." - Zach Braff on abortions | |
| 368 | "I'm far bigger than he ever was. I probably have a longer lifespan, too." - Zach Braff on Oscar Wilde | |
| 369 | "If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans." - Zach Braff | |
| 370 | "Lots of people were giving me flak when I made the deal to do the very last season of Scrubs for $350,000 an episode. When really I'm the one that's being cheated, because the writer's strike is keeping me from all the money that I could be making. I need to eat, too." - Zach Braff on his salary | |
| 371 | "Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.
" - Zach Braff | |
| 372 | "No movie other than Garden State has ever put such a big smile on my face" - Zach Braff on the movie Schindler's List | |
| 373 | "If he'd won, there would be no conflict in the middle east today. That's just a fact." - Zach Braff on Hitler | |
| 374 | "I find it offensive. It's like slapping God in the face." - Zach Braff on the cure for Polio. | |
| 375 | "I'm glad I'm not the only one out there that helps kids learn how to have sex." - Zach Braff on Sex Education | |
| 376 | "All in all, it was a pretty good show, but I still think the 4th of July fireworks are better." - Zach Braff on 9/11. | |
| 377 | "Yeah, I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle, I just didn't say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn't the one who got shot." - Zach Braff on JFK | |
| 378 | "What boggles my mind is that this man kills all these people, then we let him run for president." - Zach Braff on Osama Bin Laden | |
| 379 | "Retarded. It's like Garden State with sunglasses." - Zach Braff on The Matrix | |
| 380 | "I donno, it's not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine." - Zach Braff on Helen Keller | |
| 381 | "I think sports are very beneficial in the fight against obesity. I remember playing little league - I was the best person on the pitch by a long shot. It was only last weekend actually, I think I have some photos of it if you're interested." - Zach Braff on obesity | |
| 382 | "These people should be made to clean the streets - they drop their crap everywhere." - Zach Braff on Lepers | |
| 383 | "Talentless hacks. It looked exactly like when I ejaculate. Try something original next time." - Zach Braff on the Challenger explosion | |
| 384 | "Rain Man makes me laugh" - Zach Braff on autism | |
| 385 | "I personally love the little guys, and they really know to get the job done." - Zach Braff on illegal immigrants | |
| 386 | "I'm not saying that I could have done it better, but I definitely could have been faster." - Zach Braff on Pol Pot | |
| 387 | "The Jews are just clumsy bakers." - Zach Braff on the real explanation for the Holocaust | |
| 388 | "Have I ever had sex with a hooker? I'd like to answer that question with a question of my own. Can just anyone look up police records?" - Zach Braff on his sex life | |
| 389 | "You ever laugh so hard you piss AND shit yourself? It was that funny." - Zach Braff on kicking a retard in the nuts at McDonald's | |
| 390 | "The problem is, sometimes I can't even get through the opening credits, what can I say... I'm no superman" - Zach Braff on Premature Ejaculation | |
| 391 | "Well I've never actually watched it, but it's not like Stevie Wonder had to be able to read his sheet music to know what he created was brilliant." - Zach Braff on Garden State | |
| 392 | "I'm all set. I've got 1,000 copies of Garden State and 1,000 DVD players in my basement."" - Zach Braff on the end of the world | |
| 393 | "I just thought it was some cool stunt and applauded the whole time." - Zach Braff on being in NYC on 9/11 | |
| 394 | "It's just one of those things that's always bothered me, you know? Why would Scrooge even give a shit about Christmas, since he was obviously Jewish?" - Zach Braff on "A Christmas Carol" | |
| 395 | "I thought she was a prostitute. I mean come on, I've had girls named Lexus Steel, Bunny Love, and Rainy Mist all over my penis, how is Hannah Montana any different? The whole age thing? Puh-lease!" - Zach Braff on Hannah Montana | |
| 396 | "I understand they're considered 'people' in a legal sense, but I think with enough determination and cooperation we could rid the world of this unnecesary evil." - Zach Braff on midgets | |
| 397 | "I think christianity is great, don't get me wrong, but they're just worshipping the wrong guy." - Zach Braff on Religion | |
| 398 | "Unreasonable. It's like Garden State with Japs and a big gecko." - Zach Braff on Godzilla | |
| 399 | "I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog" - Zach Braff on the plight of African-Americans | |
| 400 | "He told me he wanted me to get excited about my life. I told him I wanted him to get excited about my life too." - Zach Braff on Dr. Phil | |
| 401 | "You'd think they'd be pretty cool with us seeing as they named their prophet after an American athlete." - Zach Braff on Middle Eastern politics | |
| 402 | "I guess it kinda tastes like egg or squid. You gotta make sure they're cooked properly or they taste like a piece of rubber covered in corn syrup." - Zach Braff on fetuses | |
| 403 | "I mean, who can blame him? I love the idea. He's an innovator." - Zach Braff on polygamy | |
| 404 | "I mean, they just don't make them big enough. Not that i would use one anyway." - Zach Braff on condoms | |
| 405 | "It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?" - Zach Braff on the ethics of human cloning | |
| 406 | "Well he was originally going to be up against me, but they decided that it wasn't good television for me to be winning every time." - Zach Braff on Bear Grylls and Man vs. Wild | |
| 407 | "Well, I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later." - Zach Braff on terrorism | |
| 408 | "At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter" - Zach Braff on Global warming | |
| 409 | "One time this guy on the street wanted me to give him a medical opinion, because I'm a doctor on TV. I'm also a real doctor. But I'm also Zack Braff, so I kicked him in the groin." - Zach Braff | |
| 410 | "I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life." - Zach Braff on motivation | |
| 411 | "I could see why someone would want to make a website about me, and my quotes. They are all gold. How many people have written, directed AND starred in their own movies. I just don't know why they would want to put words into my mouth, I mean I did write, direct AND star in a critically acclaimed movie." - Zach Braff on http://www.qtex.org/braff/ | |
| 412 | "My co-stars aren't bad actors, but they're no Zach Braff." - Zach Braff on Scrubs | |
| 413 | "Some people just don't want to put in the effort. I just show up and say some lines and I'm famous. Anyone living below the poverty line just needs to shape up or be shipped out, you know?" - Zach Braff on effort | |
| 414 | "I'm not saying suicide is right, but then again, if I wasn't me I'd kill myself too." - Zach Braff on suicide | |
| 415 | "I like a joke as much as the next guy, but I think God went a little too far with this one." - Zach Braff on Autism | |
| 416 | "He was the Zach Braff of basketball." - Zach Braff on Michael Jordan | |
| 417 | "The most important thing is kids need to stop buying drugs like marijuana. Especially when it is very easy to grow." - Zach Braff on Kids and Drugs | |
| 418 | "Wait, titanic actually sunk? That makes it even funnier." - Zach Braff | |
| 419 | "Worst hide and seek partner ever." - Zach Braff on Anne Frank | |
| 420 | "Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power." - Zach Braff on Michael Phelps | |
| 421 | "I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak, I don't think I'll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread." - Zach Braff on child abduction | |
| 422 | "It's funny when I read the tabloids and they're reporting on only a fraction of the life I'm leading." - Zach Braff | |
| 423 | "It's not that George Bush doesn't care about black people, god made hurricanes, not people who can't swim." - Zach Braff on racial stereotypes and how they affect everyday life | |
| 424 | "Why are there charities for them anyway? I mean, they jump out of aeroplanes. Sure, the landing's a bit rough but it's an exciting life, and hilarious to watch too." - Zach Braff on Paraplegics | |
| 425 | "You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better." - Zach Braff on himself | |
| 426 | "A lot of people say colonialism was 'evil' or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don't think it should be considered 'racist' to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa." - Zach Braff | |
| 427 | "In high school, I once finished a race in first and last place." - Zach Braff on his Penis | |
| 428 | "I heard some study that said about half the world is male and the other half female, and I was really upset about the percent of people I could never fuck." - Zach Braff on Statistics | |
| 429 | "Frankly I'm baffled that medical science, with all the great strides it's taken over the years, still cannot cure this horrible affliction that so many people suffer with. I mean it renders a large part of the population completely useless for almost 20 percent of their lives." - Zach Braff on menstration | |
| 430 | "Sure they're fun to ride, but I still try not to let my friends catch me on one." - Zach Braff on fat chicks | |
| 431 | "It's really the only time i want her to open her mouth ever." - Zach Braff on giving costar Sarah Chalke a golden shower | |
| 432 | "I'm just saying, he seems like kind of a dick to me. Complain, complain, complain, you know?" - Zach Braff on Martin Luther King | |
| 433 | "I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help matters." - Zach Braff on Garden State not winning an Academy Award | |
| 434 | "I know I will never need anything like that. All I ever have to do is just look in the mirror, and BAM! Instant erection." - Zach Braff on Viagra | |
| 435 | "It's completely retarded... like they did a bad remake of Scrubs, except with minorities being allowed on set." - Zach Braff on hospitals | |
| 436 | "I call them brownies, it's cuter." - Zach Braff on Mexicans | |
| 437 | "Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master. People just don't understand that" - Zach Braff on Kidnapping | |
| 438 | "I don't know why the Supreme Court changed their minds on it. I mean, I wouldn't dream of stepping foot in a place that didn't have clearly marked bathrooms for blacks and whites."" - Zach Braff on segregation | |
| 439 | "I don't want to be one of those guys, but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore." - Zach Braff on spoilers | |
| 440 | "Now, I'm not going to be misquoted on this like I have numerous times before, so I'll be quite clear.
I've never said hitler was my hero, just that if he had focused on more than one race he would have had the right idea. Try to turn that one against me." - Zach Braff on Misquoting | |
| 441 | "I can't say I agree with something that takes the focus away from me." - Zach Braff on Religion | |
| 442 | "I showed up to the club and he wasn't there. Pussy." - Zach Braff on 50 Cent | |
| 443 | "I don't ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God's way of rewarding me for Garden State" - Zach Braff on Global Warming | |
| 444 | "The worst part about it is they'll never see one of my movies again" - Zach Braff on Chris Benoit | |
| 445 | "Well, you need to have at least one black friend, otherwise people think you're racist" - Zach Braff on why he's friends with Donald Faison | |
| 446 | "I prefer to think of it as masturbating with someone else's mouth." - Zach Braff on blowjobs | |
| 447 | "You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious. " - Zach Braff on Zach Braff Day | |
| 448 | "Look on the bright side; that's one bullet that's not going to hit me. " - Zach Braff on the assasination of Benazir Bhutto | |
| 449 | "I've learned to live as if it never happened" - Zach Braff on Captian Planet's cancellation | |
| 450 | "What is my view on slavery? Well, I would say that the practice of slavery is best viewed from the balcony." - Zach Braff on slavery | |
| 451 | "Come on they were just horsing around." - Zach Braff on the suicide bombings in India | |
| 452 | "Hasn't he ever heard of a 9mm?" - Zach Braff on Home Alone 1,2,&3 | |
| 453 | "If they didn't want me to they'd just move out of the way.. " - Zach Braff on Urinating on fans | |
| 454 | "I'm not saying he won't make a good president, all I'm saying is it's the WHITE house." - Zach Braff on Barack Obama | |
| 455 | "You know, they always say that if you play the tapes backwards, it looks like the police are helping him up and sending them on his way. Well if you play the tapes forwards, they're just really funny." - Zach Braff on Rodney King | |
| 456 | "It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment" - Zach Braff on U.S. History | |
| 457 | "People are always saying bad things about them, but really they think they're just trying to clean up our planet. I'm not saying it's right but, you know, we could all benefit from following that example." - Zach Braff on the KKK | |
| 458 | "The other day I thought that I saw a vision of God talking to me saying, "That is one beautiful man." Then I realized I was just looking in the mirror. I then masturbated." - Zach Braff on Religion | |
| 459 | "Hey, I don't have any opinions on that, but I will say this, it was an important enough situation that an entirely new disease was created specicically to be spread around their community." - Zach Braff on Homosexuality | |
| 460 | "Money can't buy you happiness; but it can buy you hookers, guns to kill the inferior races AND porn - which is kinda the same thing." - Zach Braff on Money | |
| 461 | "People are always going to find fault with anything you do, any process that you're a part of. The creative process means taking risks, I've taken risks and I've made mistakes, but the bottom line is, could anyone else have done any better ? I have to believe that what I created was worthwhile." - Zach Braff on Intelligent Design | |
| 462 | "I am a top contributor to www.ZachBraffQuotes.com." - Zach Braff on www.ZachBraffQuotes.com | |
| 463 | "I don't know why everyone is making such a fuss. I'm still here." - Zach Braff on The war | |
| 464 | "Well I don't like to think too far ahead because it scares me a little to think of what this world will come to after I'm gone, but I suppose life will have to go on, right? At least everyone will still be able to watch reruns of Scrubs." - Zach Braff on the future | |
| 465 | "I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese." - Zach Braff | |
| 466 | "Luckily there is AIDS" - Zach Braff on the growing numbers of homosexuals | |
| 467 | "It's a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration, and I take it from them." - Zach Braff on fans | |
| 468 | "What's happening to them is terrible, but if you think about it, the victims should take some of the blame, really. How hard is it to just jump on a plane and head to the nearest civilized country? And there they can buy the soundtrack to my masterpiece Garden State. It drops this August." - Zach Braff on the Darfur genocide | |
| 469 | "Hitler was about population control." - Zach Braff on Adolf Hitler | |
| 470 | "I'm not opposed to it. I understand that there are a lot of people out there who can't fully comprehend Zach Braff, and need an easier answer." - Zach Braff on organized religion | |
| 471 | "Every year he brings presents to all the kids everywhere, which are worth like millions of dollars, but I get to entertain millions of people and you can't put a price on that." - Zach Braff on Santa Claus | |
| 472 | "I didn't forget about the people that made me famous, you know? I still remember them and all and they did a lot for me. It's just that they don't have very much money so they, like, aren't that important to me anymore." - Zach Braff on fans | |
| 473 | "They say that two-thirds of the earth is covered by water. The other third? My cock. It kind of makes you wonder how much of that other two-thirds is "water"...." - Zach Braff on geography | |
| 474 | "The worst is when they won't stop crying. I mean c'mon, I'm trying to cum here!" - Zach Braff on pet peaves | |
| 475 | "Ha oh yea. I conquered Africa in three rolls. Donald hasn't heard the end of it." - Zach Braff on Risk | |
| 476 | "You look me in the eye and tell me you have never punched a small child in the forehead on a dare." - Zach Braff on winning $5 the hard way | |
| 477 | "I had just walked out of the theater after watching the premier for 300 and I was feeling really jacked, you know? She just happened to be the first person I saw." - Zach Braff on kicking a 70 year old woman in the chest. | |
| 478 | "Maybe if they watched Garden State this all would have been avoided." - Zach Braff on Darfur Genocide | |
| 479 | "George Bush taught me that the best defense is a preemptive attack. You know get them before they get you" - Zach Braff on Rape | |
| 480 | "This is where scrubs DVDs have the lowest sales figures, so no, I guess I don't really care about them" - Zach Braff on Darfur | |
| 481 | "It's just Garden State but with a bat costume" - Zach Braff on The Dark Knight | |
| 482 | "She was asking for it" - Zach Braff on his child molestation charges | |
| 483 | "Let's just say, I wasn't NOT involved" - Zach Braff on 9/11 | |
| 484 | "Yeah, I remember that night. We had dinner, talked about Scrubs and Garden State. He was like a little kid on Christmas. I guess when he got home he had to take something to calm down." - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger's death | |
| 485 | "I love throw lots of change at them. I know they really appreciate it." - Zach Braff on Jews | |
| 486 | "Shortly after writing, directing, and starring in Garden Sate. I was driving and I was crossing an intersection. Just as soon as I had passed it, the man in the car behind me was hit and killed by someone running the red light. I thought to myself, "Man just a few seconds earlier and that would have been me." But then I figured that God decided to kill that nobody in the car behind me, and spare my life because I would do, and had already done a greater service to the world, just being me." - Zach Braff on his fame | |
| 487 | "When you win your first Grammy, it's true, you really want to thank all the little people." - Zach Braff on Jesus | |
| 488 | "I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult." - Zach Braff on board games. | |
| 489 | "I mean just shut up and eat something already and get some real clothes. Honestly, who's going to respect a man wrapped in a sheet? How can you take him seriously? Contact lenses wouldn't kill ya either" - Zach Braff on Mahatma Gandhi | |
| 490 | "I like to think it's Stairway to Heaven" - Zach Braff on the zig-zag on his left thigh | |
| 491 | "I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack." - Zach Braff on his contract negotiations for the sixth season of Scrubs | |
| 492 | "The best part of being famous is being able to make people's lives a little better just by mine and theirs intersecting. For example, I love having sex with married women because, hey, they get to have sex with Zach Braff. But then when their husbands inevitably catch me doubling their wives' twats with my enormous cock, the husbands get the pleasure of knowing their dick has been the same place as Zach Braff's. And if they're really lucky, they'll raise or find out they're raising one of my bastard offspring. Sometimes serving others is its own reward, you know? " - Zach Braff on selflessness | |
| 493 | "I think they're bogus, honestly. How utter garbage like Crash and Million Dollar Baby can win best picture, where true works of art such as Garden State go untouched is beyond me. It just proves how close-minded America really is, and I refuse to take part in it." - Zach Braff on the Academy Awards | |
| 494 | "It'll tell the life story of genius who overcame insurmountable odds, which inspires millions to believe that they too can achieve their dreams." - Zach Braff on his next film titled "Zach Braff" | |
| 495 | "It's not that I don't want people to see Garden State, please do, it's just that 99% of the people who see it will probably not truly understand it." - Zach Braff on his movie "Garden State" | |
| 496 | "There was originally a scene in Garden State in which I murdered a man, but I figured it was a good opportunity to see what murder was like and I actually killed the cast member. Due to legal obligations we couldn't put it in the movie. The moral of this story is that I've acquired a taste for blood. " - Zach Braff on favorite things to do | |
| 497 | "I've hacked into the website and found all of their contributers IP addresses. Now I'm going to hunt them down one by one and deliver the most merciless series of beatings ever... and you can quote me on that." - Zach Braff on Zackbraffquotes.com | |
| 498 | "You know you've led a good life when armed robbery isn't your most interesting case" - Zach Braff on O.J Simpson | |
| 499 | "It's not like I'm a racist, I just find racism hilarious. I mean say the word nigger out loud three times fast without laughing. I know I can't." - Zach Braff on racism | |
| 500 | "Young black guy or old white guy? Either way Zach Braff's not running so why the fuck should I care?" - Zach Braff on the Election | |
| 501 | "It's just Garden State set in the 40's " - Zach Braff on Saving Private Ryan | |
| 502 | "Simply awful. It's like Garden State with brown people." - Zach Braff on Hotel Rwanda | |
| 503 | "If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me." - Zach Braff on careers | |
| 504 | "I like to see them as my personal food supply if the slaves go on strike" - Zach Braff on Fat People | |
| 505 | "Not once did I ever actually write a report in college. Instead, I would just masterbate onto a copy of the book and turn it in. Not only did I get A+'s, i got my doctorate in just 6 months." - Zach Braff on term papers | |
| 506 | "He just said what everyone was thinking" - Zach Braff on Michael Richards | |
| 507 | "There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy." - Zach Braff on Scrubs as John Dorian | |
| 508 | "It depresses me when people expect me to be like the characters I play on film. I'm not some whiny loser punk, I'm a man's man." - Zach Braff on himself | |
| 509 | "I Haven't seen that since the 4th grade" - Zach Braff on his virginity | |
| 510 | "It's heritage, not hatred." - Zach Braff on flying a swastika in front of his house | |
| 511 | "Most people don't know I'm a hopless romantic. I aim to keep it that way." - Zach Braff on excessive purchases of GHB. | |
| 512 | "I could do it at home, sure, but what's the point if people can't see me?" - Zach Braff on Public Masturbation | |
| 513 | "I've tried to pity them, but c'mon man! they haven't even seen an episode of scrubs! They're practically not even human." - Zach Braff on Africans | |
| 514 | "I don't really care if she's into it or not, she's unconscious anyway." - Zach Braff on ass to mouth | |
| 515 | "Women are all about equal rights, until I start a fight with them. " - Zach Braff on women's rights | |
| 516 | "Worcestershire sauce. That's the way to go. " - Zach Braff on Babies | |
| 517 | "That happened to me once as well, just remember to check that everything's still there after they leave. " - Zach Braff on Barack Obama getting elected to the White House | |
| 518 | "Sometimes I wonder if God cries himself to sleep knowing I did it better."" - Zach Braff on God | |
| 519 | "I mean, he had to tell a story in, what, 9 movies? I did it in one. So, who's REALLY the better filmmaker?" - Zach Braff on George Lucas | |
| 520 | "Dont quote me on this" - Zach Braff on Zach Braff on calling his co-stars replacable. | |
| 521 | "It's like Garden State only with more dead babies." - Zach Braff on Abortion | |
| 522 | | |
| 523 | "smack a kid in the face with no more tears johnson's shampoo " - Zach Braff on irony | |
| 524 | "It was really starting to get pathetic, everyday they would come in looking for one thing or another. 'Zach, can you give me some acting tips?' 'Zach, will you let me blow you?' 'Can I have some cash?'
That's when I made the call, that's when I decided seven was enough" - Zach Braff on his co-stars | |
| 525 | "It's trust issue more than anything. I mean, whats stopping them from teaming up, dressing up like a really tall person in a trenchcoat, and then BAM. They sneak out with all your furniture" - Zach Braff on hating midgets | |
| 526 | "I helped Sarah Chalke invent the phrase bend over backwards, it was a fun night" - Zach Braff on sodomy | |
| 527 | "Kids used to say, 'how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?'. Nowadays the kids all say, 'How much Zach Braffs could a Zach Braff Braff if a Zach Braff could Scrubs Garden State". It's a little easier for the little bastards." - Zach Braff on tongue twisters | |
| 528 | "I think the car crash happened at about the right time. Before she died, the worldwide press were very much entirely focussed on her, but after she died, it paved the way for me to take center stage in the media." - Zach Braff on Princess Diana | |
| 529 | "Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror, and then look outside. I get a hard-on while thinking that no one else in the world gets to see my reflection in their mirror unless they bought a special mirror. I then watch myself jerk-off in the mirror, and come when I think about how I'm going to sue those assholes with my reflection in their mirror for appropriating my image without my consent. I take the load I just shot, put it in a jar, and sell it to Sarah Chalke for a couple of grand because it is what keeps her nappy ass head looking half decent." - Zach Braff on Morning Routines | |
| 530 | "When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times." - Zach Braff on entertaining at parties | |
| 531 | "It just doesn't seem that extreme to me. " - Zach Braff on Chris Benoit's parenting skills | |
| 532 | "I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?" - Zach Braff on Reincarnation | |
| 533 | "I punched Robin Williams." - Zach Braff on memories | |
| 534 | "I've been thinking, and they really should make me my own. It makes me sick thinking about all those lazy slobs living paycheck to paycheck getting no punishment, while I, Zach Braff (writer, director, and actor) am being persecuted for making impactful, life-altering films like Garden State" - Zach Braff on income tax brackets | |
| 535 | "I was inspired by World Vision. It's almost like I sponsored (Donald) Faison and gave him an opportunity to do something with his life. What more would he want than to work with me? " - Zach Braff on opportunities | |
| 536 | "I was thinking about remaking the 'Shawshank Redemption' and casting myself in all the roles" - Zach Braff on his future plans | |
| 537 | "I didn't mean to kill the baby. On a positive note, I don't charge for my services." - Zach Braff on babysitting | |
| 538 | "I think it's safe to say those children were touched by an angel." - Zach Braff on Micheal Jackson | |
| 539 | "It's raining right now and I'm not crying." - Zach Braff on Hurricane Katrina | |
| 540 | "Yeah, it's okay, but compared to me nothing is good." - Zach Braff on Everything else | |
| 541 | "My heart goes out to their families and friends" - Zach Braff on Zach Braff on the terrorists who died on 9/11 | |
| 542 | "Just plain dumb. It's like Garden State with robots, but not in a good way." - Zach Braff on Terminator 2: Judgment Day | |
| 543 | "One time a reporter asked me what my worst quality was. I looked him in the eyes then punched him in the face. I kind of felt bad about it later, but he didn't need to be rude. " - Zach Braff on interviews | |
| 544 | "I think if you just answered every question with "Zach Braff", you would do okay in the world." - Zach Braff on school | |
| 545 | "Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust." - Zach Braff on Scrubs' Success | |
| 546 | "They say the number on rule in showbusiness is not to work with animals. I guess I'm above the rules because I put up with that for seven years." - Zach Braff on working with Donald Faison | |
| 547 | "If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam." - Zach Braff on the Presdential Nominee | |
| 548 | "After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins" - Zach Braff on cannibalism | |
| 549 | "I went there to promote Garden State. I don't understand why the even bothered with it though, it's not like their brains can even comprehend the deeper meaning of the film. I mean, Christ, they can't even speak English." - Zach Braff on France | |
| 550 | "I only really leave it on if I see myself, because, come on, is it really worth the time otherwise?" - Zach Braff on TV | |
| 551 | "Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because whenever I go to Disneyland there's always fat people everywhere wearing tight clothes. Disneyland, frankly, has a lot of improving to do before it gets my namesake." - Zach Braff on achievements | |
| 552 | "People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films. " - Zach Braff | |
| 553 | "I mean, look he may be sexy. He may be able to unleash the dragon but has he ever directed a movie? No. Has he ever been the star of a hit TV series? No. He's great but he's not ZACH BRAFF great." - Zach Braff on Rex Grossman | |
| 554 | "When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fuck those guys." - Zach Braff on Christmas charity | |
| 555 | "I actually don't have a big problem getting decent chicks. I'm charming, and know some slick moves. If you like a cashier in a gas station, buy a lottery ticket. When she asks what kind, say "Pick your favorite one." She goes to hand you the ticket you tell her "Keep it. Maybe you'll get lucky." Then leave. Talk right, and you can get that chick. " - Zach Braff on his love life. | |
| 556 | "I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?" - Zach Braff on family | |
| 557 | "I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind." - Zach Braff | |
| 558 | "People say that Elvis stole the blacks' music... I think that's bullshit, right? But even if it was true, it's not like they were going anywhere with it, you know? It's like... we've got shit like Ben Folds and Keane now. What do they have? Xzibit?" - Zach Braff | |
| 559 | "Honestly, I'm surprised I don't have a bigger black fanbase." - Zach Braff | |
| 560 | "Peanut butter? Fucking WOW. Great work, guys." - Zach Braff on Black people | |
| 561 | "Is it masturbation or incest? Thats up to the judge to decide." - Zach Braff on Sex with clones | |
| 562 | "What people don't realize is that actually stands for Bad Ass." - Zach Braff on on his BA from Northwestern University | |
| 563 | "There are five true things I know in life. The first four are Zach Braff. The last one really doesn't matter." - Zach Braff on Life Lessons | |
| 564 | "Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day." - Zach Braff on children | |
| 565 | "I don't think restaurants should refuse to serve minority people. They are quite tasty when prepared correctly." - Zach Braff on minorites | |
| 566 | "The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me." - Zach Braff on dating | |
| 567 | "I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh" - Zach Braff on hurricane Katrina | |
| 568 | "Ridiculous. It's like Garden State with Italians." - Zach Braff on The Godfather | |
| 569 | "I've recently recieved hundreds of subpeonas regarding my numerous one night stands with fans. I maintain that there's no way it could be rape. Come on, It's me." - Zach Braff | |
| 570 | "Sure the jews killed jesus, but the guy was an awful carpenter" - Zach Braff on Furniture | |
| 571 | "I could've made a much funnier Joker than him, I just don't like to wear make-up like a sissy boy" - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger | |
| 572 | "The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?" - Zach Braff on self-improvement | |
| 573 | "Everybody makes a big deal out of it, but I don't really see the point. Sure, they can crunch numbers, but I've got a bunch of Asian kids or whatever in my garage that do the same thing. It's not like it's anything new." - Zach Braff on computer science | |
| 574 | "Lets just say if I had been in New York on 9/11, it probably wouldn't have happened. I'd like to think I have that kind of effect on people." - Zach Braff on 9/11 | |
| 575 | "Donald is kind of like the Pluto of the cast. He may be there, but we just try and ignore him." - Zach Braff on Astrononomy | |
| 576 | "I guess she'll find out when she gets tested." - Zach Braff on cheating | |
| 577 | "People ask me why I never would use their music in Scrubs. Well when someone makes claims to have slept with more women than I have...well that just doesn't sit well with me." - Zach Braff on Rappers | |
| 578 | "Who gives a fuck?" - Zach Braff on stem cell research | |
| 579 | "What about all the good things Hitler did?" - Zach Braff on finding silver linings | |
| 580 | "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." - Zach Braff on Hiroshima and Nagasaki | |
| 581 | "A box of wine,a shitload of sleeping pills and a 50 gallon drum of KY." - Zach Braff on his idea of a perfect first date. | |
| 582 | "In many ways I like their style but I'd rather they visited AIDs clinics. " - Zach Braff on suicide bombers | |
| 583 | "It's not that I would encourage using them, but they make a great alternative!" - Zach Braff on Baby Punting | |
| 584 | "The great thing about it is that it completely covers those bloodstained floorboards." - Zach Braff on carpet | |
| 585 | "Put God and me in a cage, what do you think who will win. God, because I created him." - Zach Braff on god | |
| 586 | "They just opened one two blocks away from my house. Would you believe they have MOUNTAIN DEW SLURPEES?" - Zach Braff on 9/11 | |
| 587 | "For me that's the one that's the most challenging. And I say that not that the other two are easy by any stretch but the one that I feel like requires every aspect of myself. It requires me to be an actor, a writer, an organizer and a leader and I really enjoy it" - Zach Braff on Luring children for sex play | |
| 588 | "I don't think it's that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff." - Zach Braff on AIDS | |
| 589 | "If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'?" - Zach Braff | |
| 590 | "It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while. " - Zach Braff on The Office | |
| 591 | "It's kind of ironic that my character is a doctor who acts very gay with his best friend. I don't see how gays could ever be doctors, they spend too much time whining about everything. Just get off your soapbox and go back to designing floral arrangements" - Zach Braff on gay marriage | |
| 592 | "To go from shining my shoes to the presidency is pretty incredible, but not "The Last Kiss" incredible. " - Zach Braff on a black president | |
| 593 | "I got the clap just by sitting next to her, who knows what could've happened if I actually had sex with her." - Zach Braff on co-star Tara Reid | |
| 594 | "That woman is a stone faced liar. I pulled out of her REALLY early." - Zach Braff on allegations of a paternity suit | |
| 595 | "Around the holidays I love handing out turkeys at the local food bank. I just wish I could see the looks on there faces later when they thaw out a 10 pound chunk of dog shit. That never gets old." - Zach Braff on keeping the holiday spirit alive | |
| 596 | "I saw bigger stars the last time I sat on my nuts." - Zach Braff on Dancing with the Stars | |
| 597 | "When you set fire to a hobo, you've got to be aware that he'll usually start flailing his arms around and running all over the place. So if you're not careful, you can end up burning yourself as well. That's why I make sure that they're passed out before I pour on the gas and light the match. That way, it gives me plenty of time to get a little distance before they realize what's happening." - Zach Braff on fire safety | |
| 598 | "The key was I gave it 110 percent the whole time you know... Let everything just hang out." - Zach Braff on his recent photo shoot for Playgirl | |
| 599 | "just plain laughable, it's like Garden State if it had a title composed of complete gibberish." - Zach Braff on Quantum of Solace | |
| 600 | "These quotes are user submitted and therefore were NOT said or written by Zach Braff? I think that borders on blasphemy." - Zach Braff on the Zach Braff Quotes disclaimer | |
| 601 | "What I think we have to understand is that we are all suffering and we all have to make sacrifices, for some people it might be their homes or entire life savings but I'm had to cut back too. I haven't given a penny to charity in weeks and am down to only 3 hair stylists." - Zach Braff on the Economic Crisis | |
| 602 | "Sometimes I pucker up and slowly move in to a mirror real close just to see what a wonderful experience it must be to be on that side. Wow. I just got goosebumps." - Zach Braff on kissing | |
| 603 | "Yea, he's alright...but he's no Zach Braff." - Zach Braff on Chuck Norris | |
| 604 | "I know he's been the center of controversy quite a few times, but I still think he would make a fine president" - Zach Braff on Satan | |
| 605 | "Maybe he would have actually made something of himself if he didn't give up. I didn't quit, and look at me now. The only reason I know who he is is because I like to think of myself as a cultured person - I did write, direct and star in Garden State - your Average Joe will be asking 'Kurt who?'" - Zach Braff on Kurt Cobain's suicide | |
| 606 | "Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn't have anything to hide - Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff's secret to Zach Braff's success." - Zach Braff on Google Chrome | |
| 607 | "If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better." - Zach Braff on climate change | |
| 608 | "My nose is way bigger than his is, where's my cereal brand?" - Zach Braff on Toucan Sam | |
| 609 | "Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me, I told them they were too late." - Zach Braff on the bible | |
| 610 | "I blame Walt Disney; well he has to find voice actors better than me somehow doesn't he?" - Zach Braff on Child Abductions | |
| 611 | "It's about a young heart surgeon that returns to his hometown and finds romance. I would describe it as a kind of cross between 'Garden State' and 'Scrubs.'" - Zach Braff on his new film "Open Hearts" | |
| 612 | "At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That'd show that no-talent uncle tom." - Zach Braff on ambition | |
| 613 | "They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me." - Zach Braff on the ladies | |
| 614 | "Look, really, I mean, it's a problem, but it's one that I can live with. I'm going to go where I want to go and I'm not going to anything get in my way. I'm very goal oriented and when I set my sights on something I want, I'm going to get it, regardless of the outcome. If certain people have a problem with that, then really it's not my problem. That is just them, trying to put their inadequacy on me and I'm not having it." - Zach Braff on Severe Anal Tearing | |
| 615 | "I always wanted to work in a movie theatre growing up, but this job was just as entertaining." - Zach Braff on being a lifeguard in Harlem | |
| 616 | "I don't know where he came up with that shit, but it definitely stretched the bounds of believability...I mean, the way he died way stupid." - Zach Braff on The Passion of the Christ | |
| 617 | "I went on that show once. It never aired because I was unhappy with the results; I wanted a Zach Braff replica put in my car, but instead, they just put mirrors over everything. I don't think it's too much to ask, I mean, everyone else on the show gets the thing they love the most." - Zach Braff on Pimp My Ride | |
| 618 | "Sex with sheep? No, that's kind of passe, isn't it? Sex with a llama -- now that's the kind of thing I beat off over. They have such long, beautiful necks." - Zach Braff | |
| 619 | "Well, I know this guy called Jonas. Heck, if he wasn't black I'd take him out of my cellar and maybe even shake his hand..." - Zach Braff on Jonas | |
| 620 | "The last time I got to stay for free on a tropical island, you didn't see me complaining about it. And water boarding is totally fun. I've always called surfing though." - Zach Braff on Guantanamo Bay | |
| 621 | "Absolutely terrible. If Garden State took a shit, it would be that movie." - Zach Braff on Good Will Hunting | |
| 622 | "Other than the lack of Dr. Scholls, I don't see what they were so upset about." - Zach Braff on The Trail of Tears | |
| 623 | "It's strange to be so intelligent, because even as smart as I am I'll never be able to truly understand what it's like to be stupid." - Zach Braff on irony | |
| 624 | "I permit Christmas to happen, against my wishes." - Zach Braff on holidays | |
| 625 | "we had a good time but when the kid didn't tap out I told him he knew what he had to do and I left" - Zach Braff on Chris Benoit | |
| 626 | "There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?" - Zach Braff on raping an 8 year old comatose boy | |
| 627 | "I think its great that it was created. It keeps those kind of people out of the gene pool but keeps them happy at the same time. I certainly know I wouldn't want one of them in my amazing gene pool." - Zach Braff on Dungeons and Dragons | |
| 628 | "...but the funniest part was when I dropped the smelting pot, spilling molten silver all over my teacher. It cost me my apprenticeship, but the scarring it left him with was hilarious. And besides, I then knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my adult life. Slapstick comedy." - Zach Braff on his entry into the world of comedy | |
| 629 | "Well once I found out how old they really were, I stopped hitting on them altogether" - Zach Braff on understanding dog years | |
| 630 | "I think the Bible should be re-written for today's society. We can call it 'Scrubs.'" - Zach Braff on the Bible. | |
| 631 | "I can't see why white people can't use that word. I have lots of black friends. That automatically proves I am not a rascist." - Zach Braff on the N-word | |
| 632 | "She can't say no if she's unconscious." - Zach Braff on consensual sex. | |
| 633 | "My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning." - Zach Braff on breakfast | |
| 634 | "I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie." - Zach Braff on Superman | |
| 635 | "I'm not gonna say it's a direct rip-off of my show, but... Come on, I think it's pretty obvious they were trying to imitate Scrubs."" - Zach Braff on General Hospital | |
| 636 | "One night I was sleeping and it just came to me." - Zach Braff on creating the English Language | |
| 637 | "I don't want to be a parent because part of being a good parent is reading a good bedtime story to your child. And honestly I can't be reading Garden State to the kid every night." - Zach Braff on Parenting | |
| 638 | "After being told I didn't have what it took to be an actor I knocked my High School counsler right the fuck out. She had it coming though. " - Zach Braff on naysayers | |
| 639 | "I onced used a group of babies to paint my house. It was so cute, watching their bodies splat across my walls." - Zach Braff on DIY | |
| 640 | "Since when did it become illegal to kick a midget in the face? " - Zach Braff on bullshit laws | |
| 641 | "Yeah, I pretty much set the whole thing up. Why did I do it? Because the last time I was there the food gave me the shits and I think one of the hookers gave me crabs." - Zach Braff on recent terrorist attacks in India | |
| 642 | "You know, cancer also doesn't sleep during the day." - Zach Braff on Relay for Life | |
| 643 | "With something like that, you've got to put it in perspective. I mean, you're already rubbing your tits in my face for a dollar, and then you're going to turn around and complain when I offer to give you FIVE dollars for a blowjob? That just doesn't seem right." - Zach Braff on getting kicked out of strip clubs | |
| 644 | "They're way off. It was actually just my seed, or as I like to call it Braff-a-cilin." - Zach Braff on the Barry Bonds stereroid use allegations. | |
| 645 | "I'm not incredibly proud of that moment, but I was raised with the motto, don't knock it till you've tried it. I can now legitimately knock the hell out of it." - Zach Braff on receiving a Blumpkin from his grandmother. | |
| 646 | "Had I not fancied an extended holiday, it simply wouldn't have happened." - Zach Braff on the writers' strike | |
| 647 | "I'm just glad he didn't take me down with him. I still get to have all the fun with them." - Zach Braff on Micheal Jackson | |
| 648 | "I still believe in god, its easy when you look in the mirror and see him every day." - Zach Braff on god | |
| 649 | "The second coming, yes. I know when that is. Garden state 2." - Zach Braff on Religion | |
| 650 | "I'd imagine that they could have heard the water coming. I mean, if I can hear the ocean in a seashell, they can hear a hurricane." - Zach Braff on Hurricane Katrina | |
| 651 | "I'm not saying just go out and KILL them all, I'm saying round them up, put them in an arena and let the lions do the work. Or show them Garden State to cure them. No... definitely lions." - Zach Braff on dealing with the AIDS crisis | |
| 652 | "Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome." - Zach Braff on casting | |
| 653 | "People always say The God Father is the #1 movie of all time. But ask yourself, did you see Zach Braff in it....No you didn't. So then by default it goes to Garden State..and if youwatch two episodes of scrubs back to back that counts as the #2." - Zach Braff on The God Father | |
| 654 | "Yeah, it's alright. I mean, it's no Zach Braff, but I like it." - Zach Braff on Mudkip | |
| 655 | "I still don't see how they fit them in the balls. Animals plus small, compact spaces equals angry people. Just ask my friend, Michael Vick." - Zach Braff on Pokemon | |
| 656 | "They're people just like me, except with less money, a lot less money." - Zach Braff on poor people | |
| 657 | "It's just people trying to get on TV, not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me." - Zach Braff on Public Access Television | |
| 658 | "I wrote, directed, AND acted, I mean, that's gotta be worth at least, like, 15 gold medals..." - Zach Braff on Michael Phelps | |
| 659 | "I was always against segregation, I mean, how else can those monkeys do our chores if they're in a separate building? " - Zach Braff on segregation | |
| 660 | "It was so funny I punched my mom in the face." - Zach Braff on watching Tropic Thunder | |
| 661 | "Science is great and all, but when you see a perfect specimen such as myself, you have to ponder, "there must've been an all-powerful creator of something that magnificent", you know? Not to disprove anyone's beliefs, but, I think it's safe to say that Science is wrong on this one." - Zach Braff on himself and evolution | |
| 662 | "It's probably my favorite idea of all time. It exemplifies the American Spirit, Take First and repay damages later. If it weren't for ideas like my dad would have never met my mom." - Zach Braff on Manifest Destiny | |
| 663 | "I haven't been laid this much since I was an alter boy." - Zach Braff on Scrubs groupies | |
| 664 | "It happened shortly after i met him. I mentioned my movie Garden State and he said he'd never heard of it." - Zach Braff on the origins of singer Seal's facial scars | |
| 665 | "That really is a drag...they haven't even seen Scrubs yet" - Zach Braff on the Darfur genocide | |
| 666 | "Barack Obama being elected President is a MAJOR setback... I heard very few talking about my movie at the inaugural address. It's just a current diversion from something far greater." - Zach Braff on Garden State | |
| 667 | "Well, you tell me... How many other people do you know who get a friggen' GRAMMY for making a mix-tape? I could fart right now and you'de immediately have a new French perfume titled 'Cabbage Au Lait.'" - Zach Braff on his influence | |
| 668 | "My favorite sexual position?" - Zach Braff on top | |
| 669 | "I mean, I tried to stop, I just caught my reflection in the mirror and was distracted for a moment. Besides, it's not like anybody's going to miss him - he was only five for God's sake!" - Zach Braff on his car accident | |
| 670 | "I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple." - Zach Braff on Presidents | |
| 671 | "I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE!" - Zach Braff on bank accounts | |
| 672 | "I wouldn't exactly call it 'Intelligent', but somebody has to be behind designing the human form other than just biological necessity. Why else would women have arms? Or feet? Or mouths?" - Zach Braff on evolution | |
| 673 | "If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do." - Zach Braff on world hunger | |
| 674 | "People ask me, 'Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?' I always tell them that there's nothing on earth better than being famous." - Zach Braff on his roots | |
| 675 | "I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more." - Zach Braff on Jews. | |
| 676 | "Sometimes I just wonder what he considers to be his crowning achievement: creating the world, or creating me? And I think we all know the answer to that. " - Zach Braff on God | |
| 677 | "Really? I mean really?" - Zach Braff on women's rights | |
| 678 | "After I'm in I like the bust things up a little bit, just so when they wake up they know I've been there." - Zach Braff on sex | |
| 679 | "So maybe I don't have a medical degree, but I am a Jew, and that's close enough. I'll cut out your tonsils, I'll do your taxes, I'll shoot rockets at Palestinians, whatever the fuck I feel like doing. Chosen people, baby!" - Zach Braff on the Scrubs Season 2 DVD commentary | |
| 680 | "A lot of people have asked me that. It's actually derived from the sound a fart makes." - Zach Braff on his unusual surname | |
| 681 | "I've never seen a more overhyped career. I can masterbate non-stop for 16 hours, but you don't see me selling tickets and putting it on network tv and calling it magic do you?" - Zach Braff on David Blaine | |
| 682 | "I guess technically yeah, but i mean only because if it was against the law i wouldn't have anything to put into my burritos" - Zach Braff on abortion | |
| 683 | "well she said she was 18, and it was dark...
though technicically she didnt say yes..." - Zach Braff on teen rape | |
| 684 | "A child's death is really of less value than an adult's. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that's not even talking about, you know, pay-wise." - Zach Braff on infanticide | |
| 685 | "Every single person wants to do it, don't hate me because I had the guts to follow my heart!" - Zach Braff on incest | |
| 686 | "It was a terrible national tragedy. My heart goes out to everyone affected by it" - Zach Braff on The Ex | |
| 687 | "It's just Gods way of getting babies to heaven faster!" - Zach Braff on abortions | |
| 688 | "I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early." - Zach Braff on time | |
| 689 | "When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don't have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around?" - Zach Braff on Midgets/Dwarves | |
| 690 | "I tried it a few times but didn't see the point. I'm Zach Braff. What the fuck do I need a team for besides holding me back and sucking? If I wanted that, I'd just walk on the set of 'Scrubs'." - Zach Braff on Team Fortress 2 | |
| 691 | "If it happens again I'm going to hunt that mother fucker down and hurt him bad." - Zach Braff on being rick rolled | |
| 692 | "Didn't You ever see Homeward Bound?" - Zach Braff on why not all dogs will go to heaven | |
| 693 | "Less eaty, more worky you simple bastards." - Zach Braff on welfare reform | |
| 694 | "UUUhhhh...Wow, good question. Well I'd have to say a little salty, also a sharp chedder aroma, followed with a nice oaky finish." - Zach Braff on his ballsack | |
| 695 | "Did she have sex with me? Then she's really a nobody then, isn't she?" - Zach Braff on Mother Teresa | |
| 696 | "I dunno. I kinda liked Free Willy." - Zach Braff on Hilary | |
| 697 | "I had the chicken pox once, so yeah. Whatever." - Zach Braff on SARS | |
| 698 | "Sure, it's not like I have any kids." - Zach Braff on A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift | |
| 699 | "I don't care about records or fame, really. Get me on the court with him and I'll school him." - Zach Braff on Michael Jordan | |
| 700 | "It's just water with my toenail clippings sprinkled in" - Zach Braff on his new cologne | |
| 701 | "If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay!" - Zach Braff on clothing | |
| 702 | "Why didn't the just buy a house in Malibu, that's right, they're too poor... sometimes I forget about the idiots in this world." - Zach Braff on hurrican Katrina victims | |
| 703 | "I can't say I'm sorry for what happened, I don't see what the big deal is anyways. I mean, if the light is green, I don't see why I should have to stop for people, elderly or otherwise" - Zach Braff on traffic | |
| 704 | "I've really grown fond of him over the years and you know, Zach Braff isn't all about taking, his about giving too. I'm thinking about offering him a job at my plantation." - Zach Braff on Donald Faison | |
| 705 | "One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond bitch reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas." - Zach Braff on Fame | |
| 706 | "I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives. But for all of its faults, Scientology is dead on where it comes to modern psychiatry. " - Zach Braff on psychiatry | |
| 707 | "Pivens is a pussy, I used to eat three thermometers for breakfast everyday and I'm just fine." - Zach Braff on mercury poisoning | |
| 708 | "At first I wrote them songs because it was nice to have some creative output besides acting, but then I found out they were using all my songs as there own, so one by one I got my revenge. Ringo is next, I've just been taking my time." - Zach Braff on The Beatles | |
| 709 | "Best 5 dollars I've ever spent" - Zach Braff on paying two hookers to fight over a copy of garden state | |
| 710 | "Her poon tasted like nickels and her ass halo was the size of a frisbee." - Zach Braff on reasons for dumping Mandy Moore | |
| 711 | "The accusations that I run around midnight wearing a viking helmet and wielding a plastic axe, hitting random people, are completely baseless.
Completely basless." - Zach Braff | |
| 712 | "Sure, I thought about writing a biography once. But then I remembered there just isn't enough paper for all the awesome shit I've done. Especially when I turn things up to Sexified." - Zach Braff | |
| 713 | "It just didn't have the same effect when i called obama black bear" - Zach Braff on politics | |
| 714 | "I showed Garden State around to a few people, and I wish I hadn't. You can see the influence it had on their writing... 'No Country for Old Men,' 'There Will Be Blood,' 'Michael Clayton.' It's really a compliment to be this influential." - Zach Braff on Oscar nominees | |
| 715 | "Mostly shaven ass and back hair. Some pubes." - Zach Braff on his throw pillow contents | |
| 716 | "I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live." - Zach Braff on self love | |
| 717 | "I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there." - Zach Braff on History | |
| 718 | "I'm not saying he deserved it, but Abraham Lincoln was pretty fugly." - Zach Braff on The 16th President | |
| 719 | "That was the time I most appreciated my celebrity" - Zach Braff on getting the corner booth at Applebees | |
| 720 | "Those claim to be bigger than Jesus?! Shit, what are they bragging about? It's not that hard." - Zach Braff on the Beatles | |
| 721 | "Just the other day he approached my car at a stop light and offered me a ZJ for $12." - Zach Braff on a recent Pauly Shore sighting | |
| 722 | "I was actually surprised it went that long. I think I personally could have ended the job in the first 2, 2 and a half minutes, Which I believe speaks volumes about my skill level at this point of my career." - Zach Braff on the recent Brock Lesnar, Randy Couture fight | |
| 723 | "Contrary to popular belief I actually am the American Revolution." - Zach Braff on History | |
| 724 | "Personally I blame the fact that Garden State didn't win an Oscar. I mean, who knew they would get this upset? I sure didn't." - Zach Braff on emo kids | |
| 725 | "It's not that I'm against them, it's just that I don't really care about anyone but myself." - Zach Braff on charities | |
| 726 | "Zach Braff, Zach Braff, and hmm... Let me think about it for a minute. Umm... Zach Braff. " - Zach Braff on who were his top 3 favorite people. | |
| 727 | "Pur Water's profits have increased 120% over the past year. Either they're sprinkling crack in those bottles or my voice is like Jesus. Even better in my opinion." - Zach Braff on the Pur Water commercial | |
| 728 | "I don't believe he was that weird at all really. I mean sure, he has his fetishes, but what goes on in a man's bedroom is nobody else's business but his own. Not the public's, not the media's, not even the Supreme Court's." - Zach Braff on Michael Jackson | |
| 729 | "He may be an Oscar nominee, but that doesn't change how fucking short he is." - Zach Braff on his costar Ian Holm | |
| 730 | "Honestly, I had no idea that the whole process had already been perfected over the past 100 years, I'd never heard of Muybridge, or Edison, zoetropes or kinetiscopes, optical tracks, ... I mean, I just came up with this idea to imprint images on moving strips of cellulose impregnated with photosensitive chemicals and then process those strips and repeat those images with a light shining through it, accompanied by recorded sound, which I also came up with that morning. I mean, shit, I coulda saved SO much time that day ! *laughs*" - Zach Braff on his directorial debut, Garden State | |
| 731 | "I'm really not one to brag, but I think my job is one of the most important things someone can do with their life. I mean, it really gives people a chance to live outside their means through someone else's vision. And I think that's something really great that I can give back to the community. Sure I could be a doctor or a lawyer, but do they really help anyone? Sure you can save someone's life, but can you really change it for the better? I'm not saying their jobs aren't important, just not as important as mine." - Zach Braff on Jobs | |
| 732 | "I find my movie props in my neighbors houses." - Zach Braff on Set design | |
| 733 | "Well I can understand why men want it to be legal. Obviously they're all hoping they might get to marry me someday. I hate to burst their bubble, but they should just give it up now. Zach Braff doesn't sway that way, you know?" - Zach Braff on gay marriage | |
| 734 | "When I played the Shins, I changed someone's life. When I play Belle and Sebastian in a pivotal scene in my next movie...well, let's just say I made sure I that I can't be held legally responsible for all the deaths people will suffer out of shock upon hearing them. They're a terrific band." - Zach Braff | |
| 735 | "When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me." - Zach Braff on sexuality | |
| 736 | "Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined." - Zach Braff on The Godfather | |
| 737 | "I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds." - Zach Braff on Usain Bolt's 200m world record | |
| 738 | "Come on guys, I mean, 'Why so serious?' I can say 'Why so serious', and no one screams and claps for me! It's not even grammatically correct. If he were smart at all, he would have made it "Why are you acting so seriously?"
Thats just the kind of small creative adjustment I make when I do a movie." - Zach Braff on Heath Ledger | |
| 739 | "I went back a little further than I wanted to and upon arriving I met this schmuck wearing sandals and a robe. He introduced himself and I said, "Jesus? That's a stupid fucking name. Try Zach Braff."" - Zach Braff on time travel | |
| 740 | "They choreographed the whole thing and I wasn't supposed to catch the kid, but I caught him... and I'm not a big fighter or anything, but, with the adrenaline and everything, I just started pummeling him. I didn't know and it was so dark...but part of the punking was that it was, like, a 12-year-old. It turns out it was fake spray paint. They edited the fight out, because apparently you're not supposed to punch people on Punk'd." - Zach Braff on disciplining children | |
| 741 | "We all know Rick Astley was inspired by 'Garden State' to Write that song; so i'll kindly ask for it to be referred to as getting 'Zach Rolled'." - Zach Braff on getting Rick Rolled | |
| 742 | "I'm going to be honest. Sarah Chalke and I may or may not have fooled around at the Scrubs season six finale party." - Zach Braff on the Mr. Hands death video | |
| 743 | "I really don't give a care, I'm going to live for ever" - Zach Braff on human life | |
| 744 | "I once came acoss a quaint little village known as Sodom. I guees that upon seeing me, the people just got so horny that they had to fuck the nearest living thing around them. So, anyway, gay people, you're welcome." - Zach Braff on his continued time travel and accidentally inventing sodomy | |
| 745 | "I'm really gonna' have to give up on this quoting, i gonna have to let it down - possibly run around and desert it." - Zach Braff on not rick astley | |
| 746 | "Yeah I wore a hooded sweatshirt to the grammys, cuz I don't gives a fuck! And because I had no other clean shirts." - Zach Braff on stupid ass awards | |
| 747 | "..and that's why I hate ginger.. excuse me could you leave me alone the men are talking? No, I don't mind insulting people of your hair colour, I'm Zach freakin' Braff, you know, Garden State? get off me, arrrgh shit it burns. Aaaaarrrrrrrgh.." - Zach Braff on fire | |